Composers Block

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart??

2009-03-12T16:57:00.002+08:00

There used to a popular song by the Bee Gees, 'How Can You Mend a Broken Heart'
The song aptly sums up the pain of losing someone you love dearly.
Someone asked Reu's mother just recently "So how? Is everything back to normal?"

I guess the person meant well and showed his concern in asking about her well-being.
However, perhaps some thought could be given before choosing the question to ask.
A broken heart is not easily healed.
Do not imagine that with the passing of time, that things will be "BACK TO NORMAL".
The pain may become less intense, but the void will always be there.
Especially when someone is taken away suddenly, before his three score and ten years are up.
So don't expect things to go back to "normal".

It is the norm that a son should bury his father. But why should a father bury his son?
My heart still aches even today (even after 15 months)
and I cannot imagine the pain Reu's mother feels.

I try to adopt some sort of daily routine.
Yet everything is different.
So, dear friends, Please DON'T ask if everything is back to normal ?!!

Things can never be back to normal.
My son is no longer around, so try some other conversation/question.
"Hi, its nice to see you today",
"So what do you think of President Obama"
If you ask "How are you today?", then be prepared to listen IF I want to "unload" on to you.

Please don't avoid me, but try not to make inappropriate questions or statements.
Maybe you can ask "Chiak Pa Beh" (ie Have You eaten) and offer to buy me a nice lunch. LOL

Here are the song's lyrics...
"I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?

How can you mend a this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word about the sorrow."

It was not under the safety panel's purview in the first place to pinpoint who was responsible for the tragedy.

2008-11-27T20:02:00.003+08:00

One year on, the pain still remains

November 24, 2008 Monday, 06:00 AM

Carolyn Quek looks at questions lingering from the dragon boat tragedy.

http://www.straitstimes.com/vgn-ext-templating/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=5d9b8462c4acd110VgnVCM100000430a0a0aRCRD&vgnextchannel=cf70758920e39010VgnVCM1000000a35010aRCRD

YESTERDAY marked the first death anniversaries of the five rowers who died tragically in last year’s Cambodian dragon boat accident.

As family and loved ones held a commermorative service to remember the five men, several questions remain.

For example, was the welfare of survivors and their parents being overlooked?

Ms Pamela Seeto, mother of one of the survivors, thinks so.

The housewife still remembers Nov 24, 2007 - the day her friend came knocking on her door, asking her to read the newspapers.

"When I saw the headline, five dragon boaters missing... I went screaming and crying," the housewife, who is in her 50s, recalls as she spoke to reporters at the memorial service.

Her younger son, Darren Tan, now a 21-year-old first year undergraduate, was one of the 22 rowers representing Singapore in a traditional boat race in Cambodia.

There had been no calls or messages from him and she started to panic.

"Then I realised I had turned off my handphone," Ms Seeto recounted.

Switching on her mobile, she heaved a sigh of relief when she saw that Mr Tan had sent her a text message at 9.08pm - Ms Seeto can remember the time precisely.

It was also a few hours after his team mates went missing in the Tonle Sap River.

The families of the survivors too have been through a lot, given that the surviving men had also had near-death experiences.

Ms Seeto felt however that follow-ups on the part of the survivors and families after they returned was not enough.

She cited how the parents of the survivors were not invited to a closed-door briefing about the Safety Inquiry Panel report when it was released at the end of May.

The panel was set up in the wake of the accident and had met only with the families of the rowers who had died.

But Ms Seeto felt it should have been extended to parents like herself. After all, their sons were involved in the same accident, and their families had a right to know how their safety had been compromised.

Also, besides a few group counselling sessions that the survivors received on their return to Singapore, the survivors have been largely left alone, she said.

One year on, the hurt also continues to run deep for the families of the five rowers.

Differences, it seems, remain unresolved between the families and the Singapore Dragon Boat Association (SBDA).

While they had called for a press conference in July to ask for an apology from the SBDA, the association had responded a few days later by saying that it was not going to do as as it was found not responsible for the accident by the SI panel.

But family members at the memorial service pointed out, it was not under the safety panel's purview in the first place to pinpoint who was responsible for the tragedy.

At a regatta also held yesterday, the parents had also noted that there was no minute's silence observed for their boys.

There were no obituaries placed by the association to mark the one-year anniversary of the rowers.

It led the families to wonder, had the SBDA forgotten about the five men?

But the families clearly have not forgotten about the men, as they sought to commemorate their lives at the emotionally-charged memorial service.

The sobbing younger brother of Mr Chee Wei Cheng was the first to take the stage.

"This one year has been very hard for me and especially my mother," Wei You told those who had gathered at the Seventh-Day Adventist Church in Jurong East.

"He was our life... without him, our lives are so empty."

2008-11-27T19:29:00.004+08:00

November 27, 2008 Thursday
Home > ST Forum > Online Story
http://www.straitstimes.com/ST%2BForum/Online%2BStory/STIStory_307154.html

Dragon-boat deaths last year: Still much on mind of fellow rower
I REFER to Monday's article, 'Dragon-boat deaths: Pain still lingers'.

I read with heartache as it brought back sad memories of how these five young men perished in the prime of their lives while representing their nation. Time and tide wait for no man and it has been a year since their departure from their loved ones, but the recollection of how they left is still clear and painful, even to someone like me who knew none of them. I can understand the shock and sadness suffered by their loved ones when they were taken away so suddenly. Like these young men, I am involved in this field of sports. With their sacrifice, I told myself I need to be as committed and passionate about this sports as they were.
I was present at the first day of the regatta race on Nov 23, the day before what I reminded some comrades would be their first death anniversary. I hoped the organisers would have coordinated a brief memorial or tribute to these national heroes. To my dismay, I was told there would be no service.
I can empathise with how Mr Freddie Kee and Mrs Cathy Loh felt on losing their dearest sons. Keeping close tabs on this incident since last year, I could see Mr Kee was visibly upset that the Singapore Dragon Boat Association did not wish to apologise nor take responsibility for the mishap on the Tonle Sap river in Cambodia on Nov 23. Its apology was only for the misleading message to the families that the rowers might not have been good swimmers.
Dragon-boat rowing inculcates team spirit, bonding and accountability. To row as a team for the association and for the nation, every single member of the national team, from the individual rower, captain, team manager and coach, to the sponsors and the association that guided, coached and ultimately sent the team to an unfamiliar race site, should be accountable for what went wrong. Accountability is an indication of how a mature adult, organisation or country functions, so it is unusual that the tragedy report took longer than expected and found no one at fault.
If the association had apologised to the families of the dead, it would have assured them that their sons had not died in vain. Sometimes in life, it is not about technicalities of an investigative report that finds no one at fault, but accountability.
As to whether the dragon-boat fraternity has progressed since a year ago, I would say there is still room for improvement. Go to the association headquarters and you will find only two toilets with no water from the tap to take a shower (the nearest is about 1km away). There are no carpark lots for the many avid rowers, and no proper equipment storage.
As for the recent Singapore River Regatta, the briefing was done only four days before the event, giving team managers little time to communicate to the rowers. The race site was packed with teams along the narrow stairways leading to the pontoon, causing safety issues. Strong currents moved the boats dangerously. And the race was delayed by almost two hours, so some teams that had gathered since 7am got to row only in the afternoon.

Desmond Koh

2008-07-14T11:22:00.006+08:00

VOICES 28 THURSDAY JULY 10 2008 TODAY
WATER SPORTS SAFETY
Another death: Isn’t it time we learn?
see full article at http://www.todayonline.com/pdf_main.asp?pubdate=20080710

OFFICIAL GUIDELINES ON PERSONAL FLOATATION AIDS (Lift Vests)
Under the panel’s recommendations:
The IDBF water safety policy makes the wearing of Personal Floatation Aids (PFAs) conditional as dragon boaters generally compete in sheltered or placid waters.
Where the conditions are otherwise, the Safety Inquiry Panel supports the IDBF rules which makes it compulsory for PFAs to be worn, as PFAs do aid in the saving of lives.
Crew managers should therefore demand participants wear PFAs in adverse racing or training conditions.

The IDBF Members Handbook adds:
In a formal competitive event and on a placid water course ...
the IDBF Rules of Racing do not require an experienced competitor to wear a PFA (Life Vest)
However, even in perfect racing conditions, both the boat helm and drummer are advised to wear PFAs
In an informal competitive event, such as a festival race, all competitors are advised to wear PFAs
In adverse racing ... especially in open water or rivers, crew managers of experienced crew should advise all their competitors to wear PFAs
Note: Open water is defined as large and very large inland lakes and reservoirs, tidal estuaries, open harbours and the sea.
It is the crew manager’s responsibility to ensure that ... any weak swimmers are provided with PFAs

Closure? More Pain, More Questions

2008-06-06T17:51:00.003+08:00

So the Safety Inquiry report is out. So is the response from the SDBA.
The Today paper weekend edition however aptly proclaims the status.
"Dragon Boat Tragedy: Questions remain. see online at http://www.todayonline.com/pdf_mid.asp?id=3105NLW008&pubdate=20080531&publication=TODAY&sp=0

Seems that no one is to be blamed. Nothing could have been done to avoid this unfortunate accident???

Just like ST Friday June 6th. Open verdict on teens who died in crash.
A sports car carrying two teenagers crashed and burst into flames along Sixth Avenue in the early hours or Aug 25 last year. "They could have been in high spirits, and may have been enjoying the sensation of high speed, and a momentary distraction could have caused the accident." STATE CORONOR VICTOR YEO,
In the case of our National Dragon Boat Team, it seems that no one is willing to say that they failed to do what needed to be done.

from the ST forum June 3rd,2008.
NO ACCOUNTABILITY
"The inquiry panel failed to take action against those accountable who placed our Singapore youth at risk."
Ms Caron Chan: "When it comes to problems, we dig at the roots and find out what went wrong. This time, however, we dug into what happened in Cambodia that caused five deaths, but came up with no firm suggestions except to affirm some basic safety procedures which should have been in place since we started sending teams to competitions overseas."

One of the SI panel's findings was The Low Safety Awareness of all involved.
My question is WHO is responsible to ensure the safety awareness of the team?
Why weren't the IDBF's Water Safety Policy followed before Nov 2007?
(International Dragon Boat Federation see http://www.idbf.org/documents/Water_Safety_Policy.pdf)

Someone needs to ensure that there is no lapse in following the IDBF guidelines from now on.
Not just for the National Team but also all Dragon Boat teams (schools etc).

Find out why the IDBF want teams to practise Capsize drills.
Perhaps it is because races are held in open water and/or with non-standard dragon boats, where there is a possibility of capsizing?
The officials must find a safe way to practise capsize drills.
Maybe the SDBF can bring in a typical non-standard/traditional boat used in overseas races?

Should our rowers bring along their Personal Flotation Aids (LIFE VESTS) and also their oars (if those in the competition are of different sizes)?? What needs to be done to make sure our children come home safely to us??

Six months on, life goes on but ...

2008-05-27T14:59:00.003+08:00

Last Friday was the 6 month anniversary of Reuben's departure. The family still misses him dearly. Life goes on, but somehow things are no longer the same...

I have to make sure that I don't listen to 'sad' music, especially when I am alone in the car, else the tears start to come. I wish I had spent more time with Reuben, to know him better. To tell him that I am proud of him and that I love him.

The Shi Tsu puppy we bought helps to cheer us up a bit cuz she is so lovable and intelligent.
Ha, the one time mummy gave Reuben a hair cut, she used our dearly departed poodle Muffin's hair shaver. Reuben had bought his own hair shaver and used to give his team mates a hair cut at our house. Now I am using his shaver to trim our new dog's hair. Tit-for-tat eh?
We named the puppy Clavi, after Reuben's Clavinova. She is a clever dog, very intelligent, playful and very sociable.

The SSC called yesterday and said that the inquiry results will be out on Friday.
Somehow, it makes me feel uneasy. They asked me if we want to meet the press, but I said no.
I am afraid that I will become angry and bitter if the inquiry's conclusions do not meet my expectations. I have been saying that it was an accident and that we should not 'blame' anyone. But my son (and 4 others) are gone, and somehow, someone must accept the responsibility for their deaths.

It pains my heart to see Reuben's mom cry each time she misses him. Her health has suffered and her asthma from 20 years ago has come back. Reu's sister has been strong, but I know she misses him very much.

Life back to "normal"

2008-05-06T16:02:00.006+08:00

Just after we said farewell to Reuben, someone asked me, "Well Freddie, everything back to normal?". Can life be normal again when u have lost your only son? A son is supposed to bury his father and not the other way round. Every now and then I question God why? And then I put my heart in His hands to trust Him, to remember that this life is not the life that God meant for us to live. God wanted us to live forever, in love, without pain and suffering and sorrow (and stress).

Today I finally used up the tube of Loreal hair gel that Reuben liked to 'use' sometimes. He also liked to use the Spalding shampoo that I had. It will disappear from my bathroom because he would borrow it to use after his training. I love that shampoo and so did he. But I don't use it daily now because I cannot find it in the shops and ...

Anyway, God is taking care of us. I quit my "paid" volunteer work Dec 1st 2007, and have been trying to go back to my financial consultancy work. It has been hard to start up the 'work' motor. But yesterday and today, 3 of my clients actually contacted me so...

I managed to pass my CEHA exam last year, so I am hoping for some work opportunites there.
Yesterday I went to donate blood (I am a regular blood donor, I donate 3 to 4 times a year) and someone there introduced a potential client to me.

Strange birthday

2008-05-02T16:33:00.000+08:00

I remember years ago, when Reuben's mom bought me tickets to the musical Phantom of the Opera to celebrate my birthday. This year, on April 26th, we went to a film screening of 'To Speak' with over 50 of family and friends, to listen to the music that Reuben wrote for the film. There was a reception afterwards and several people came to say that the music was wonderful and that by writing the music for the film, Reuben was helping to raise funds for Tabitha International to help the many poor Cambodians.

In some way it was a "interesting" celebration for my birthday on April 29th.
The numbers are also interesting.
I was born in '54, it was my 54th birthday and it was exactly 5 months and 4 days
after Reuben was found in Cambodia on November 25th 2007.

Yesterday, I attempted again to clear some of Reuben's belongings.
Some things we know we want to keep, like his medals and his oars
but others I can't bear to get rid off.
Still I managed to pack all his army stuff into his army bag. Hopefully some of the young people will help me bring it down to the recycle area on Sunday.

I tried to give away his hamster cage and accessories but no takers. Then someone offered to buy them at around $20. But somehow we did not want to sell. Maybe because it became a commercial transaction and his things are too precious to sell. Strange logic.

I remember someone asked for Reuben's dragonboat id-tag but when I asked to see the person, he didn't respond. Well, I was wearing the id-tag on a few occasions, to keep Reuben close to my heart.
Freddie Kee
(Reuben's dad)

btw there are still some copies of the limited edition CD of Reu's music from the film (with a tribute to Reuben + bonus music with Shimona singing). If you are interested, send an email to freddiek@singnet.com.sg asap to book a copy.

How to move on? Sometimes Life gives us a kick in the ...

2008-05-02T16:00:00.000+08:00

I have been deliberating and debating with myself whether I should do it. I did it for Facebook and there has been no complaints or spam. Well yesterday, I had a 'sign' that things cannot be kept frozen. I updated the software for Reuben's handphone which I am using now -after paying Sony money to unlock the psw, and found that everything was gone. Fortunately, I had backed up the contacts and pictures etc, but the record of sms and calls to and from him was GONE.
I have been holding on to them, afraid to erase them but now I have no choice.

Someone close said that "I'm afraid that I will forget Reuben." I want to do this to keep the memory of Reuben alive, to remind myself and others of the love that Reuben had for his mother, family, friends and everyone he came in contact with.

I also want to help people know and enjoy his music, cuz the new pple who hear his music are touched by it. It uplifts and inspires them. It comforts and calms them.

Yes Reuben my son, you have composed songs which are helping people when they are stressed, sad and lonely. And your life and music will continue to help people to "expect more of themselves". You have succeeded in a small way to impact many people's lives.

Freddie Kee
(Reuben's dad)

Stronger shadow from stronger light

2007-11-22T02:06:00.000+08:00

Closer and closer.

I heard it today, and yesterday. Its getting worse.

What I feared so much, feels so good.

To not give a damn, to give in to it.

Maybe it preparation for going into unfamiliar territory. If anything would happen there, he would be able to ensure any threat would be nullified.

Its so hard to fight against instinct sometimes. Yet sometimes instinct is the only thing that will keep you alive. But it can also strip you of what makes you human.

This trip will be a fight in more ways than one.

The short talk I had with coach before disembarking worries me.

doh

2007-11-21T01:13:00.000+08:00

Terrible, been quite unconstructive these few days. Work rate is moving slowly while the work is piling up.

Kinda like laying off studying while an impending exam of doom approaches. I hope that I don't have to mug.

Nah, no hope. I won't have to. Time to kick up the pace.

bball day

2007-11-19T20:25:00.000+08:00

Basketball with Ron, JK, Keith, Adrian and Derek.

Our star player, aka Ron who's represented the country in basketball before is quite sickening to watch because he rarely misses a shot- even with a sprained ankle.

Felt good doing layups and my unblockable sky-hook, even though its a bit rusty cause its been so long since I've played.

Heard something very familiar: "gai4 ta1".

Basically it means to cover the person whom you're guarding from making the shot, but somehow along the line that meaning slowly changed to: "smack the ball away right about the time your mark releases the ball to the net."

Most short players will think that tall people can do this very easily, so I heard it very often when I was playing often a couple of years ago. It kinda sucks sometimes. Because you never hear a short person getting asked to do it. Yet as a tall person it really isn't easy, because your mark can easily fake the shot while you are left hanging in the air, waiting to swat away a ball that is being dribbled around you on the ground.

That really is about on of the most depressing type of moments that you can relive over and over again in basketball.

Today's entry will be rather thoughtless because I don't really feel like thinking much.

poodle!!!1

2007-11-18T20:56:00.000+08:00

What do you do when you see someone with a nick such as:

"She wasn't on the bus today. haiz... wat should i do next time I see? Approach?"

I couldn't hold it in any longer, seriously, after seeing that for a few days.

Reu said:
NEXT TIME YOU SEE HER SMACK HER AT THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND POINT MIDDLE FINGER

Hahah sorry Melvin.

Flea market at Zouk today. Went early but not early enough! Managed to grab the last few of good buys.

Also spotted this cute little brown toy poodle. Wanted to BRING THAT HOME AND EAT IT RAWRRRRR.

I can't believe I woke up at 3.30am today. What a crazy yet boring day.

5am

2007-11-18T05:10:00.000+08:00

Its been so long since I've woken up so early. Reminds me of the days when I had to wake up early to go to camp. And of the days when I woke up in some bunk in camp.

My memories of waking up in camp are a little like that of a nomad. Every few months, new bunk, new bed, new surroundings, moving about to reach the final ideal vocation. It was one out of four possible vocations that I was aiming for which would allow me to attach out for safsa and fulfill one of my dreams.

"Always have more than one contingency. Have a contingency for your contingency and a contingency for that." Was the reason for me planning four possible routes. The calls had been made, letters of recommendations sent out. Back then it was just a matter of which route opened up first. It was one of the few invaluable lessons that I learned during my informal/formal mentorship sessions with some of the more knowledgeable officers in my camp.

When I told people what I did for camp (at home), not even about my attachment life, they would always say stuff like "so good", "so you got like a dream vocation la". But they really don't know the amount of work put into getting there.

It was weird, really. I was put into the best possible circumstance, with the best running for what most people perceive to be the most "prestigious" track for my ns term. But giving that up for something more important than what I have always perceived to be the shallow convention landed me in probably some of the worst possible circumstances at first.

But thats just how life I knew that I wanted to live my life. Finding my own goals and chasing after them for my own reasons. Not goals that people tell you to chase after, for reasons that have been told to them.

I suppose in that aspect, my fighting spirit will never die. Always a rebel, always fighting for his own cause.

I know that deep down inside, I've found something so invaluable. Because I recognize the difference of how empty it felt from before I had found it, when I was still following blindly. You really need to see both sides to are able to tell which one is the side for you.

"As long as you follow someone, you will forever be behind him.", I remember my first mentor telling me. But I soon realized that following someone than improving on it on your own terms wasn't even enough, because it was in someone else's initial direction.

Those that inspire us, who motivate us can be such strong reasons to be like, to follow. But I've learned to identify what makes them strong, learn and try to apply, but move on.

What speaks from yourself, can never be from another person. What impresses you can be the inspiration of another person, but what inspires you comes from moments, situations in life; its what makes you. Nothing like that can ever coincide perfectly with another human being.

Ahhh

2007-11-17T15:46:00.000+08:00

Weekend are for blowing up canisters of fuel sending nearby enemies flying, jumping off walls while shooting enemies in the head before landing, taking out critical supports of structures as masses of buildings fall on bad guys - all in bullet time.

I love my ps3.

line

2007-11-16T23:28:00.002+08:00

Aha..... One of the most irritating types of sprains to get in the gym is when you are doing shrugs, and you end up spraining your neck.

Alright, I swear the next project that comes along I'm going to put on hold until february.

Awaken

2007-11-16T00:12:00.000+08:00

Years ago the thought of being in a team with people who didn't expect to win disgusted me.

Then I realized that some people don't expect much of themselves. A liability to any team these people are. When there are those who give their all and try their best, and when there are those who take things slow, make excuses and cheat themselves and in the end cheat their team mates.

I accepted that fact. I tried to find others like me at first, but in the end I acknowledged that it was not easy to find like-minded people. But if I could bring those from the other side over to mine, if I could help them inculcate a desire to win somehow, then they would prove an asset and a strength to the team instead of bringing it down.

To make that happen, I realized that I had to be in a position to set certain variables in my favor, to bring a change of conditions to the environment. It takes time and planning. Perhaps abit of provocation in some, to push them out of the emotional corners that they so desperately hide in. There were times when I hated what had to be done, I hated what I had become in order to strengthen some people, strengthen the team. Screaming and shouting at people is the weakest form of provocation. Find something that they believe in, that they want, and challenge that, and you will see that even the most docile person will eventually learn to stand up for himself.

Yet I clung onto all this, in hopes that at the end of it all, something invaluable will be gained.

Fast forward to new teams, new groups of work. Where I cannot summon enough energy to move the variables to our favor as I did in the past. Yet the frustration of seeing those who have already given up spread their poor expectations to the rest of the team.

Realistic? Feasible? No matter the odds, all out, or not at all. Otherwise there is no point.

What frustrates me even more is that I am gradually accepting their views. I am gradually sharing their despair.

Part of me just wants to let them know that such people quite simply put: fucking useless.

Yet a part of me still hopes, that one day, they will reawaken to the possibilities that they once dreamed off, yet somehow lost the fight for along the way after falling down again and again. Or for those who never did, that they will at last expect more of themselves.

No matter the odds, no matter how strong the opposing team. Even if we don't win, I'd give my all in the hope of overcoming the odds.

I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this right now. Today I almost made a mistake. Many years ago I learned a painful lesson, and yet today I almost forgot about that and made it again.

In decision making, as long as your emotions lead you, especially in times of distress, you have so much to lose and nothing to gain except perhaps superficial temporary emotional relief which is outweighed by the cost later.

Rationally process, logically filter. To be able to use the most distressing situation to your advantage, one would have to become that.

I was so good at being that. But somehow along the line I missed what it was like to be human. To react to feelings, to emotions. Was it worth it to be this perfect meticulous thing? No one is born perfect. To emulate it means to induce a reasonable amount of stress proportionate to how far away from perfection your starting point is. In my case- very far.

Perhaps all I need is rest. No, more than that. A long break. Free from factors which would pull at my own emotional corners.

Oh wait, there are no more corners.

Pain

2007-11-15T00:17:00.000+08:00

Day 3 into the new training cycle....

I forgot how much it could hurt to just move. Sore everywhere. The effect seems to be pretty fast, probably psychological though.

Recording today with Abigail. Seeing Roger direct really amazes me sometimes. The way he manages to keep super nice to get the best out of his actors shows an immense amount of patience and understanding. Its quite evident in quite alot of directors whom I've been working with lately actually. Whats needed and whats is detrimental to the creative process or dynamics of the work environment is such a delicate thing. Similar to leading a team, we all do that angry dictator thing while leading in our "infant" stages, but soon enough, those who are bright enough to understand their surroundings realize that is required to get things moving, and what isn't.

What would be better to facilitate movement and motivate, and what breeds frustration and rebellion. Especially with a more independent thinking team, treating people like kids just won't cut it. Usually nowadays, the final stages where people will mindlessly follow someone is in JC. Most poly students on the other hand couldn't give a shit and have better things to do, or picked the poly route for specific reason and have broken out of key sociogenic conventions.

Thats why I always believed it was vital to inculcate some form of maturity in this aspect during one's youth. Simulations in teams, groups. Learning from others mistakes is good, but eventually one will have to venture into new ground and error-proof his own methods.

How else is one supposed to motivate his company or run a business with shitty attitude or poor leadership skills.

Its almost always certain that the first few times one leads, he commit some of the greatest taboos and ends up falling flat on his back. Better to make those mistakes in a team than later on in a company and end up losing money and repertoire.

Been talking to Sakir about his fighting game engine. Its really quite amazing what can be accomplished when you put a really smart programmer to work on an engine. So many things that we never thought off as possible in the past, now to be made available. The past of fighting game characters that were 5-10mb, to plans for a 150-200mb character file.

I only with I had more time to work on this. Perhaps if I can somehow find a time to take a break off music, I'll just play around with game development again.

I so want to.

Yuck

2007-11-13T03:10:00.000+08:00

3am.... finally finished monday's task - cause I was out the whole day XD.

Thank god half of the dota gang is having exams so I can actually get around to do some work at night.

Watched saw 4 with kel, jem, seb, yol and etc sim ppl. Sick show. Plot was pretty interesting though.

Sleep.

SHINKUU~~!

2007-11-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

Rawr!

This week is going to be the busiest yet.

Mon - start and finish abigail's minus one track
Tues- finish act 3's christmas track
Wed - Narnia theme song
Thurs - Narnia theme song
Fri - Narnia theme song

One step at a time......

Unforgettable

2007-11-10T17:50:00.000+08:00

I never want to forget that moment.

When the 3000 strong crowd gave a standing ovation toward the end of the overture, and our cast of 712 innocent young voices sang their hearts out to the theme song. The song that I worried so much about them being able to hit in pitch, and keep in timing. In the end everything was perfect. The energy in their voices was incredible and they matched the energy of each of the instruments of the orchestra that I painstakingly played one by one. They could feel it, everything in my song from the significance of the victorious melody to the words of daring to dream.

I almost cried. Out of pure joy. If anything, although I prefer doing music for games, this is one aspect that neither games nor film can ever accomplish - the live sincerity of each performer's spirit when they sing your song. Its just moving. The words and melody that you thought of echoing in the voices of hundreds of people is really something. The cast was incredible, even more incredible was how young they were but how much passion they put into their rolls. Zul's choreo just warmed your heart, and the hundreds of people moving about on stage to the music just fit so perfectly.

I wouldn't change my job for the world.

crazy despo people.

2007-11-09T13:55:00.000+08:00

Its sorta nice when you can cut the queue which starts from the entrance, goes down the road and into the carpark. Its nice that you can pull a friend in and save him/her from the queue too, but it becomes to pointless when you have more friends that you can't sign in.

Which may have been a good thing anyway, because when I went it to recce the place and crowd I was horrified.

Whats wrong with all those people? Why do they like to squeeze so much?

Insane. Senseless. Full of desperate people or something.

Its nights like those when I would much prefer to just eat supper with friends. And the chili padi from the fishball noodles owned me.

Heading back home and playing heavenly sword on the ps3 while lying on the bed until my eyes can't keep open anymore, then moving my arm a little to reach the remote to switch of the tv and game before dreaming of Nariko. - the ideal way to end off a holiday.

next stop

2007-11-09T01:41:00.001+08:00

Today is the mark of the next phase of training at last, after a one year phase of shrinking zzzzz.

I hope the shitty joints/ligaments are sufficiently recovered by now.

XD

2007-11-08T16:15:00.000+08:00

Projects running/ending in nov-dec:

Media-freaks - FF - To be started
Media-freaks - AN - To be started
Nexgen - EL - In progress
Nexgen - HK - Completed
Tyler - KT - To be started
Tyler - BS - In progress
Stage Elegance - SN - Almost done
Act 3 - AL - Completed
Act 3 - CS - Almost done
MGS - MG - To be started
Asiasoft - AU - To be started

zzz.

I swear I'm the busiest composer I know.

I'm going to have to increase work-rate if I still want a break this year.

Ahhh must persevere! For great justice!!!111

brudderly love

2007-11-07T22:35:00.000+08:00

At the end of a set tonight,

Boonsan spits to the left. In the dark of the night, the direction he's facing makes it impossible for him to see himself.

But I see it, silhouetted by the lights of tanjong rhu, it drips down from his chin, slimey and thick. I thought he could feel it, but he just continues talking.

More drips down.

At this point kelward spits to the left of the boat right beside me.

And Alvin spits to the right of the boat, right infront of me.

And then, I hear something that makes my heart skip a beat.

"Eh, the water quite cold tonight."

It couldn't be, he couldn't possibly be thinking of doing that.

But yes, Boonsan dips his hand in the water, and tosses some water at me.

The calm stagnant water containing the aggregated spittle of everyone, from the hand that just wiped the spittle from his own chin.

And they wonder why bugs or flu is passed around the team so easily. I want to run to the back pack to row.

Lions tigers bears, oh my my

2007-11-07T02:27:00.001+08:00

Supper tonight reminded me of how dangerous some places are because of stupid people.

Shouting in hokkien, then chairs and tables screeching, a parang brandished and waved around, someone retaliates, someone slashed.

If Si were there, he'd probably want to dash in and disable both parties just for the rush. I know because a part of me wanted to. But its a smaller part of what used to be the bigger part in the past.

Sparring with him the other night was quite demoralizing. Years ago I would be able to catch any attack or move along with it while launching a reprisal. Now my reversals are a pathetic percentage. Gyming makes you slow and stupid, I tell you. Its probably also the lack of practice. And fear of going too far prevents me from staying in the zone for too long. Its also possible that the idiot is purposely exploiting blind spots and throwing me off rhythm. God, that's why it sucks so much sometimes.

Anyway I can never bring myself to be as serious as him about it anymore. Which is sad, yet I feel proud for him because he's moving on to higher places. As I've seen him progress through this track, similarly he's seen my dreams for music slowly become a reality, and when you look back at the past like that everything seems so unreal.

Got an sms from an old friend all the way from Australia today while I was shopping in town:
"Does your family object when you chose to follow your dream and not go to uni? Now i am graduating in a months time. I chose to work overseas. All I get is resistance. Why can't they support my decision?

My reply:
"There are dreams that may seem good but are only worth a short while, and there are dreams that you know you will have no regrets living for the rest of your life. Opposition to those dreams test how well we've thought it through and whether we really want it."

I can't even remember the countless simulations and calculations I've had to do to make sure I was sure about my dream and it was feasible and practical. I guess the hardest part is applying logic to something so illogical. I hope all goes well for her.

Up to today there is still no 100%, only belief. But as long as its a good percentage, I'll bet on it, because if I never did, then I would never know.

Unhappyhappy endings.

2007-11-05T10:24:00.000+08:00

Since 2001, every regetta, a part of me dies at the farce which is called the Singapore River Regatta.

Its not a race to see which team is stronger. Its a competition to see if your collective karma as a team is good enough to get you a good lane in the finals. Its an innocent game of tag where coxswains must be alert and able to ditch their race course in a second to avert an oncoming 20 man dragon boat.

In such choppy waters, there should only be 3-4 lanes max to make room for error and current diversion. But no, a certain organization just wants to make as much money as possible, squeezing in as many boats as possible per race so they can invite more teams, ccs, csc, etc, finish asap and make as much money as possible.

They don't give a damn about fairness or equality. Not in those conditions. And why should they? At the end of the day it doesn't matter who wins or loses, because they make the most money and win.

But convention in this community says to take part in this race every year, despite the travesty it is to the sport. Singaporeans are well trained to accept the shittiest conditions without questioning if things could be better or how they could be better. No one will really boycott such a stupid race.

Nevertheless some of the guys finally found out what it means to take action for something that they believe in. Though last minute action can only make up for about 40% of the optimal end result, perhaps one of them may realize just how to plan for the rest of the 60%. Still, the courage to speak up for what you believe in will take you places already.

Seeing guys like long and cj give so much to the team, it pains me a little. Because I know that I'm not unselfishly giving as much as them anymore. The sacrifices they made in positioning and line up, in bringing equipment for the whole team, sad to say I would probably never see it from some of our guys. But its something you only get from a few years in the sport. After you are tired of fighting for your own place, and when you see someone fighting for others, then you realize just how small a person you really are. If you can even see it in the first place. If they were in my team some time back, I know things would have gone a lot smoother.

It sucks when you know what must be done and you could do it so easily, but you have to force yourself to be a watcher in hopes that the conditions will inspire change.

Thats probably the final but most important thing I would want them to learn before they bid their final farewell to this sport.

And perhaps, one day, when they look back, and realize just how much fun this sport really can be, without all the shit attached, they will go back.

For me, I guess a part of me already knew where I should go, but I wanted to see things through to the end with these guys.

In life, its really a blessing to find something that you love to do and to be able to do it. But to find people to do it with, to share the same goal with, the same pain and joy, happiness and frustration, can never be replaced by anything else in the world.

Ahhhhhh!

2007-11-02T00:40:00.000+08:00

I suddenly have the urge to cover my workstations with either transformer figurines or Final fantasy 7: advent children figurines.

Tifa is ridiculously hawt, and yuffie is cho kawaii.

Blessings

2007-11-01T23:14:00.000+08:00

Oddly enough, despite all my contact with the piano composing and experimenting, its been so long since I've sat down and actually played.

When all the emotion in the composition isn't pre-meditated, and everything just flows naturally. When you don't have to worry about singers timing, or vocal range, just no stupid restrictions whatsoever.

It was like meeting with a long lost friend. So weird, since the damn thing isn't even alive. But the feeling is really like no other. When I want a part of a movement to be strong, it will answer and its voice will echo with resolution. When I want a part of a movement to light or sad, the softness and vulnerability of its voice will oddly enough move the heart.

Took out the Jaguar for a row today, very shocked that Darren paddled all the way out to the middle of the basin to look for us. For a noob that's just plainly insane or brave. But he probably knew that one of us would go rescue him anyway. Justin was clearly worried about him.

Anyway Justin's fast, but he kept fading away when I used the sink-stroke.

Fun fun. And yes I could tell another njc kia was clearly stirred by seeing us row. But he was always quiet last time so I forgot to ask him to join us.

Kage Bunshin no reu

2007-10-31T23:49:00.000+08:00

Man, updating your psp to the latest homebrew firmware version is not for the tech-weak.

First you have to download 3 files from 3 separate locations, rename 2 of them and put them on your psp.

Then run 2 apps on your psp, during which everything turns black and you don't know wth is going on sometimes.

Then download another 3 files from another 3 separate locations, rename 2 of them and run one of them.

God.

I'm glad I'm a powerful geek.

Anyway today's meeting with the company behind Maplestory, Pangya, Audition, Gunbound, Ragnarok Online, Granado Espada, etc, was quite impressive.

Walking through the plush corridors of the top floor of the singapore post complex tower, I thought that if I ever had an office, it would be like this.

Was treated to a very animated presentation on a 60-70inch plasma tv by the manager, director and an executive of the company.

Another path for me to go into dance music.

Boy do I really need to clone myself.

Too fast

2007-10-31T02:05:00.000+08:00

Bleh, huge projects tend to swell up in tediousness towards the end when everything needs tidying up and making sure that all sounds right.

Don't know why but somehow I recall how I used to suck at the piano. People used to say that my playing was noisy, lacked form and control.

But I couldn't really give a shit about what those people thought. Those people couldn't play the piano that great anyway.

I studied how some of my favorite composers constructed their masterpieces. Their form, their variation. How a single melody can capture the loneliness of every individual, and how a harmony can bring the feeling of companionship to that lonely individual. How rhythm feels good when its predictable, and how it can excite or unnerve when it isn't.

I took pride in being able to emulate any composer's style.

But unlike a certain rowing sport,

One day I found my own style.

Years of sucking like hell turned into years of improvement and eventually into years of fruition.

I never thought that anyone would want my music.

But tomorrow I'm meeting with Asia's largest game developer. And next Friday, a cast of 700 will be dancing and singing to an hour and a half soundtrack of my composition.

Calls and emails have been coming in with new projects and proposals till the point that I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to have a holiday at all this year.

Everything feels so surreal.

Do you really need a break from doing something that you love and know that you want to do for the rest of your life?

As much as I love this, somehow I just want to have a period of time to spend just having time to train and play ps3 and not having to worry about having to miss training because I have to go for a meeting or supervise a rehearsal.

Things are moving too fast.

The good old days

2007-10-27T02:42:00.000+08:00

Its funny how things that you've tried to forget suddenly resurface suddenly out of the blue for no apparent reason.

I remember the first time it happened.

It was so long ago, when we were all small. He was bigger than me, scary.

I can't remember what happened or what was said or done, only the look on his face. Veins popping from the yelling, a little red, his eyes were red.

He came at me like any enraged guy in a fit, a barrage of punches.

5? or was it 7 attacks? It happened so fast.

I was scared to shit, but yet angry for some reason, heart was beating frantically.

Then the realization dawned upon me.

None of his punches landed on me- because I had swiped each and every one of them away.

I remember that he looked angrier. He yelled threats and ran away.

I was just left with disbelief. As if all the training and drills and pain actually produced something good.

Like some character in a movie just discovering his powers for the first time.

It was the day the "eye" and "heart" awakened in me, as Si puts it.

I remember the days the squad spent going to and coming back from the invitational tournaments. The fights in the ring were fun, but what we really looked forward to was the time spent hanging out around before and after the event- and it wasn't to spend time with each other.

It didn't take very much. Just stares at the unfamiliar faces. Insecure people wanting to prove their worth and strength. For us, they were just tests. Tests to make sure we were still had it in us. Maybe we thought that those conditions were the only ones suitable for us to advance ourselves.

I remember how much it hurt just to feel your own heart beating so hard and fast. Your whole body shakes out of the sheer fear and adrenaline, you think that once this time ends, you'll never do it again. But somehow, you just keep going back for more.

But, as corny as it may sound, with great power does come great responsibility.

I'll never forget that day.

The hand grabbing my arm, the feeling of the air around me speeding up as I grabbed it back and spun to deliver the blow.

Everything felt so right, the fear, the impulse, the anger, the reaction.

Until I heard her scream.

Then I snapped out of the trance, maybe it was one that lasted a few years.

Before I had realized it I had developed a deep addiction for that feeling. The anger, and how powerful that made me feel.

But no more.

I would find a way to somehow seal it. A natural response that every human feels. But I could never again feel it the way a normal person does. I realized the difference of past and present feelings at the time, the strength in it was too great.

I never thought it meant cutting off some other emotions in the process. Maybe it worked out for the better.

I had to train and develop an awareness so sensitive that I could kill off the slightest flicker of it.

Never again could I feel this anger, less I fall back into the pit of despair that I worked so hard to climb out of. I could pretend to be at times for effectiveness, but thats as far as it can go.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without those years in martial arts. Would I be more "normal"? Would it be better to be "normal", or be like the me now who has come to so many important realizations through erring.

Would I still be following the conventional path of life for those around my age? Still wondering what to do with my life? Why I should live it like I do?

JC, uni, get a job that sooths my ego with the amount of money I make but hate it secretly? Basing my success on the success of those around me?

I probably wouldn't have fought so hard to break out of it all. To forge my own path. But the things I've lost along the way still haunt me to this very day.

Whatever happened to do good old days, that never existed.

But will eventually come.

balancing act

2007-10-26T23:51:00.000+08:00

Fridays seem to be my busiest day recently.

Wrapped up 2 deadlines today, rushed for training, then rushed down for fitting for the show at MOS.

It sucks even more cause I couldn't run today again because the pain in the foot has reached critical levels yet again.

It seems 2-3 times in a week is the current limit to the new morning training program. Anything after that and I can't even walk properly.

Canoeing today was much better. Kinda nervous at first due to the ridiculously high k4 seat.... but in the drive in water was so awesome, it felt so good, with the speed and everything. Coach says there will most probably be canoeing training next season. Very interesting. Haha some of the guys didn't even think of trying to learn Ks when he asked them how many boats there were. But when coach asked about it I was relieved.

Anyway the guys should get off the redundant crafts. I know the balancing can be a real bitch at times, but eventually when you get it you can feel so much more in the water. Besides might as well train for the canoeing races too.

omg this just in, new DOTA version is out.

*runs off to study changelog

Stupid with more people = not stupid by convention.

2007-10-26T15:13:00.001+08:00

You know a club is making too much money when:

- They send you 1 invite to their halloween party in the middle of the week.

- They send you another one, this one in designer envelop and better mat surface.

- They send you another card to pickup your new membership card when you're old one hasn't even expired yet.

Anyway Zouk was much better on Wednesday. It wasn't overly crowded like previous mambo nights, and you could actually move around in phuture. Ironically the members bar was the area that was more crowded than usual.

Its damn funny when you see one guy doing silly actions on the dance floor, then see someone else near him doing the exact same movements, then you look up at the platforms and see the "flight safety demonstration crew" doing the same things and you know "oh, stupid mambo dance."

Where are the godamn clones?!

2007-10-25T20:02:00.000+08:00

So all the plans were set to get this awesome white designer chinese mafia suit for Scott's wedding, and rehearsals were this weekend. Then I put the dates together and my worse fears came through.

The wedding falls on the weekend of the cambodia race.

We were supposed to be this awesome piano/singing duo and woo his new partner in life. He's being ridiculously nice and understanding, which is making me feel worse.

Part of me actually wants to go for the wedding. I need clones badly.

emo gu niangs

2007-10-23T20:10:00.000+08:00

Not sure if its the gyming and work at the same time, but sometimes emotional women or worse- emotional guys who might as well be women almost get on my nerves.

Almost. But peace and balance in the universe is always restored.

Not that person anymore. In control.

First class yesterday. Walking into a big campus, kinda shocking that people can recognize me. The students were all pretty well-behaved, and all went quite smoothly. Yeah, teaching is fun when the class has an interest in the subject.

I'm really looking forward to a good break from work in 2-3 weeks time. Creative work is fun but kinda exhausting.

Maybe then would be a good time to switch over to something else.

Nah, just gym, anime, ps3, dota, battle stations. Rinse and repeat.

Heaven. Yes... in 3 weeks time I shall be in that heaven. Wait for me heaven...

Crazy contrast

2007-10-21T23:39:00.000+08:00

First, race in the morning which I literally only knew off the day before. Had to cycle to Justin's house at 12 midnight to get the key to the conference room for a logistics pickup in the morning.

Turns out, wooptie doodaa the main door was locked when I arrived so I couldn't get the zre anyway. So I had to go the the locker and take out the masamune. Like this short 47 inch paddle. But it worked out, because shorter paddles are ideal for my drive A in lesser legroom boats.

Things have really gone to shit. But somehow knowing how things are going to be like makes things alot better when the time actually comes.

Luckily Allen dropped the Bishaners at Bishan so had a quick bite then washed up and headed for the competition finals.

Didn't expect to win there either, it was so much fun.

I had purposely screwed up the compulsory makeup and contorted my face for the newspaper shoots so no one would recognize me and I wouldn't have to see anyone familiar there. But lo and behold Dennis just had to turn up.

The dance round finals was tonight. I felt so sad somehow, knowing that it was the last time that we would be able to dance together as a team, even if it was an individual competition.

When Jessie and Rashida- our instructors were on stage with us that final time, and I heard and felt their energy, along with some of the guys, and the music was booming so loud, and we were all on the beat, it was incredible. So incredible that I forgot a step but managed to smile and jump back on routine.

So high.

First round of the fashion challenge, theme was to wear something that shines. Used Darren's golden skinny tie and Justin's black long-sleeve shirt. Kinda classy compared to the other guy's huge amount of BLING or bare-bodied glitters. But Derrick won that round with his BLING. Lots of it. Ridiculously large amounts of it.

Second round I wasn't sure what the heck the judges liked. We were given a budget of 100 bucks to buy an outfit. Apparently the majority of the judges weren't really into brit rock. So I had a really long thought about what direction to take. I eventually took all the characteristics of the jeans that I liked from topman to the parts I liked from Levis, and found the perfect combination of the two at Levi Strauss with Timothy, earning us a 50% of one of the pairs of jeans. Belt was from there too.

Next was a top, which I knew I had to get from topman. But nothing too brit rocky. I bought one size larger than usual, brought it to the tailor, and spent 10 minutes going through schematics of my new new shirt to-be.

When Raphael, our renown french choreographer saw me and told me that it looked good, I knew it was ace.

But I didn't expect anything, because all the other guys were damn good.

I was happy enough going home just having learnt to dance. We pulled it off despite the minor cock ups, the energy was there, the crowd loved it.

It shouldn't feel good, something so trivial.

But standing there smiling for 50+ cameras holding the gold and wearing something that says winner does feel a little good.

Made some good friends over the past few days. Despite everything, we were a team. Helped each other cover up, and looked out for one another.

Made fun of someone together too.

Destiny

2007-10-21T00:54:00.000+08:00

Something just surfaced in my drawer just now.

Its on of those singlets that went through so much with you.

Soaked by the endless laps on the running track.

Abrased by the countless crunches and statics.

Chilled by the cold 6am winds and toasted by the 12pm sun of the waters of kallang basin.

That precious seniors singlet that I was the only noob in the team who got... cause I was the only junior that managed to out-row the seniors.

Good times.

I remember earlier on, one cold morning when we climbed over the gate to row at sdba. I was happily doing laps, uncapsized, trying to keep warm in the cold winds and dry. Then some charboh calls me over.

I think she wanted to drink water or something? Anyway instead of using my boat to balance herself she ends up capsizing us into freezing waters.

Mud, knee high, right in the middle of kallang basin. We call for help from another charboh.

She rows over. Tries to help and ends up in the water with us.

I think we were saved by some k2 in the end.

Then those evenings when I will do laps in the k1 all by myself. Theres a certain peace you get from having the whole of kallang basin to yourself, rowing in the calm waters of the evening (if you're lucky enough to actually get godamn calm waters back then before the breakwaters were built).

Just you, your paddles, a boat and miles and miles of water.

I remember the late afternoons crashing training with ntu because I had no one to do race sets with. Of how they invited me to join them after seeing how I always lined up at the start line with them.

I remember how I lucky I felt to be able to train with the strongest ivp team at the time. It seemed so impossible to beat them with their years of experience.

I remember how beating some of them never felt good because we still got our asses handed to us in the opens category by some ac gin nah with a faster class boat.

Canoeing was fun because we were all serious yet not all that serious. You could go up to any boat from any school and ask if they wanted to race. Then you'll get either a polite "ok sure" or "haha no thanks".

I remember the days of research. Any team, any school, I had it all. I collected data on all their training programs and the psyche that their respective coaches attempted to imbue in them. From rowing with them, rowing at the other side of kallang, conveniently warming up at their training spots or cooling down at their debriefs.

How each school's program changed from base building to pre-race. How some schools fought on with one method of training because it was their pride from their seniors - tried and tested, phases that they had to go through. How some school's teacher-in-charge used his students as guinea pigs to test different methods of progression and training. And how some schools did things the way they did because they didn't know any better.

I had to understand it all. I couldn't lose in any way that I could help. Incidentally it helps when you need to plan your own program. Not just by following what you've been taught, but by watching first hand how athletes working through different methods of training progression differ in strength and characteristic. What works and what doesn't. What's truly stupid training, and what is efficient. What part of the training is needed, and what part just added by someone who didn't know better and was never taken out because no one else knew than him.

My only regret from giving up my spot in ntu with the team that I told myself I wanted to join would be this. I would at last eliminate the one factor that prevented me from being at the top.

The juniors now have it easy. Back then the only rowers I lost to were from uni. Now with them out of the picture for a category, it should be easy peasy.

But you can't play around forever sometimes - not when it will take so much time away from the one thing that you know you want to do for the rest of your life.

It was fun. The company was good. The rivals were unforgettable. The coaches left impressions that will never go away.

But having found the answer to the question that so many ask but so few find an answer from within themselves compel me to fulfill it.

Being at the top of a competitive environment can be all you hope for sometimes. It can be all you think about and train for.

But ultimately life goes on. You can't be there forever and what shallow satisfaction you get for being up there at that time wanes when you realize that you have to move on to the next "phase."

Seeing the wheels of convention for what they are. Listening to that small voice that logic will tell you to ignore.

Only when you push against the power will you find the energy required to breakthrough things you never imagined possible.

People think that those working in the creative or design industry can think out of the box. They couldn't be more wrong. You don't need "creativity." Because convention dictates now that even this concept is bound by the notion of going against logic -and a vector opposite or tangent to another vector is still a vector.

What you really need-

Is insanity.

Do you believe in destiny?

Sprained foot.

2007-10-18T13:31:00.000+08:00

I've sprained my left foot during morning training yesterday... somehow. Dunno how dunno when. It just slowly hurt more and more throughout the day.

Can probably add it to my "wtf you can sprain that?" list.

Its the part between the ball of your foot and your heel.

So godamn weird, I can't run like this. Need.... other.... form.... of cardio.....

XD~

2007-10-18T13:06:00.001+08:00

omgwtflol

I need a holiday

hello uncle reuben

2007-10-16T22:05:00.000+08:00

So we went out to find the cream of the cream of the crop out of all the childcare centres. Close to 800 kids and we narrowed them down these few with natural singing ability. One of them could even do a vibrato. Holyshit.

Having them sing and move to the music was quite uplifting. Their innocent and pure energy, both in intention and voice really warms the heart.

It was hard having to narrow down and select which kids to sing which songs, listening to them closely while trying best not to let them know that they were being judged or tossed out. I guess it always pains me to have to tell someone their not good enough. Especially since these kids are so young, how will they take it? How will it impact them at such a young a volatile age?

Something that needs to come so innately, unlike sports. If you train hard and devote the time to it, you can't be too terrible. But for something like music, some people can spend all the time in the world and sadly still be a musical travesty.

Which is why I remember how difficult it was for me to select the the performance team for the Piano Ensemble back in school. No one wanted to be the bad guy, but we only had so few slots and as president I had to ensure that only the best occupied those slots.

When it came to sports or rowing, any skinny, fatass or slackshit who put in the effort and improve would make it to the team, because the potential to improve in sports is much more forgiving.

Somehow although musicality is something that needs to be cultivated, somehow some seeds just refuse to grow no matter how much effort you put in. And there are also cases whereby people are so shy and humble that they do not realize just how talented they are. Its easy to miss those type of people, but I didn't let a single one slip by.

Left to right: Denise, Crystal, Kai Wen, Wai Yip, Jeannie, Asher

I used to hate kids, but after today, I'll kinda miss that bunch. PLUS MORE KARMA POINTS FOR LIKING KIDS!

Not in the michael jackson kinda way.

Recording today at the studio with the kids was surprising. I really didn't expect much out of kids that didn't belong to a choir, but there's a certain purity to their unrestricted emotion in such singing.

After the children were done, we recorded our voice talent. Which was none other than one of the strongest singers in the previous SG idol - Matilda.

Its heartbreaking yet fulfilling in a way. The way I composed a song and imagined it to be sung, then a strong singer comes and brings new life to it with her own style and emotion. Like giving your daughter's hand away in marriage to someone whom you know will make her happy for the rest of her life.

She is an incredible singer. And I'm surprised that she can do so many styles.

What a day.

pwned by telecom

2007-10-15T16:21:00.000+08:00

Internet was down since like Friday. All my supreme geek powers couldn't bring it back because it was a line fault which telecom had to fix this morning.

Godamn torturous argh.

Battle stations character stagnant and unable to level, unable to watch anime, unable to DOTA WTF!?!?!

Anyway I sucked it up and was productive. So 1.5 battle tracks for Battle stations are done.

Played for TR Church's fundraiser, they managed to raise like 21k in funds for bursaries or something? Like, I never imagined a church would be able to raise that much.

The 1H singing group who I played the piano with. Some of the best voices from the various churches.

Men's choir from Chicago.

The guest of honor cum member of parliament actually sang a song for us. Pretty impressive. Her voice was sincere and she had pitch, which was good enough.

Yeah so anyway I did a good deed right? PLUS 100 KARMA POINTS.

Oh yeah, Friday's DJ... MANDY really sucked.

This was taken right above the DJ console from the members bar. You can tell how bored everyone looks. It would be more appropriate if I photoshoppped "?" above everyone's heads. At most points only like 10 people were really into the music.

Ending off this entry with a nice email:

"Hey, Let me start by introducing myself.

My name is S--- K---- and I am current Senior at a high school called Ed----- Wood---.

I started learning piano by myself, just like you, just about three years ago from now.

(attached song is the recording of me of playing the song I fell in love with :), it's not quite good though)

Today I was surfing YouTube and accidentally ran into a video of you playing piano.

Man... I gotta say I'm impressed with your unique compositions and playing skills.

I personally did not believe that a self-taught pianist could become a great pianist and composer like you.

Thank you for inspiring me to be something great than what I am already.

I might not be the only one to ask but do you think you can consider sending me some of your composition pieces ?

I do in fact know the original versions of many songs you played, but I think your composition give them this unique taste that I couldn't find in original compositions.

If it's possible I would really love to learn to play your compositions"

When it rains it pours

2007-10-11T18:56:00.000+08:00

And when the sun shines, its damn hot.

Inspiration at last, the Battle Stations themes are going to kickass.

More idiotic people.

2007-10-10T02:23:00.000+08:00

You know those people, you're standing right infront of the mrt train doors waiting to go in because no one is coming out, in which case you'd be standing at the side to let them out. So there you are, and this moron comes just cuts infront of you right before the door opens then takes his time walking in like he owns the whole Sharyo.

Such evil doers must be stopped. Stopped from spreading their idiocy wherever to go.

They need a reality check.

In the form of me moving forward slowly while grounding.

Grounding isn't just a technique reserved for the sparring grounds or dojo. I believe it was developed originally send idiots reeling away as if they hit a brick wall.

It takes years of practice to get the timing right so that you can execute it in one breath. Yet all that will not be in vain if it can stop evil doers.

The best part about it is that the untrained person will not be able to tell if someone is grounding or not, so it looks like you're just walking or standing there normally.

What if there was an old lady who needed a seat and they cut infront of her?

Its not that such people cross me, far from it actually. I merely use idiotic people to my amusement when the time arises.

Nothing personal, just amusement.

I am not a bully.

I am an upholder of justice.

For the sake of justice and humor.

Composers block

2007-10-10T02:20:00.001+08:00

Like for real.

Resting and regaining composing power is also part of a composer's job.

So I spent the day watching the whole series of Claymore.

It is indeed awesome.

Maybe tomorrow I'll watch the whole series of another anime.

double composition

2007-10-09T01:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes learning software can be a pain in the ass. Orchestra arrangers have it easy because either programming or notation NEVER changes.

Electronic or anything with programmed beats, ie trance/techno/house/drum and bass/Chemical/Dub/Hardcore/Glitch/etc on the other hand, is an ever-advancing science.

So fricking advanced that it makes 3dstudiomax/photoshop look like stuff you learn in kindergarten.

Seriously, I've spent the past 2 hours staring and tinkering at stuff like this:

This is just ONE of the many new instruments that the crazy guys at propellerheads added. Getting to know what each knob does is one thing, getting it to work with the sequencer bar is another. And to top it all off, some instruments are combinations of several of these borg-assimilated killing machines.

I didn't even spend so long trying to figure our double differentiation in F maths for buddha's sake!

But this is the future, state-of-the-art module of creation. The sound produced is smoother than anything produced in the past by mainstream artists.

I will win!

Your momma

2007-10-07T18:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we come across a realization but conveniently pass it off because the people around us are doing don't seem to be bothered about it.

If one day, when their convenient direction in life set by the government, set by the education system and convention was taken away; how would they know what to do? How would they know if they wanted to do it? How would they know if it was the right thing for them? Because their momma says it is? Their family? Friends?

If I didn't have such a rude shock back to reality I would probably be thinking like them. When you realize that reality is bullshit, that everything everyone ever told you was to be desired was bullshit. That whatever you believed in was bullshit. How will you handle that?

How many times have you heard people ask "What's the meaning of life?"

The truth is, until you have an answer you'll never really be able to live your own life.

Those who are sheltered, never break through the illusion or are never sufficiently challenged to truly go out and search for an answer. To actually have the balls to go out there and do what it takes to find out even if it means giving up whatever success you had so far, even if it means failing.

Perhaps some people are better off with a carefree, simple life. Ignorance is bliss.

The first step's easy. After that comes so many questions that your professor can't answer for you.

For the greater good, things that I didn't necessarily like to do had to be done. Big things cannot have the base of childish ideas and aspirations alone. They cannot be grounded by stubborn pride, short cuts, sometimes even your conscience.

If your conscience doesn't tell you what to do, and your heart can barely be heard by yourself, how will you know where to go? How will you know whether what you are doing is right, for yourself, right, in any aspect?

Somehow, its easier to walk toward that small hole with light shining out instead of being covered by a huge mass of light.

cant think of title

2007-10-06T23:16:00.000+08:00

Side effect of the new training phase is.... I can eat whatever the hell I want. That means as much chicken rice, carrot cake, whatever fatty shit - and still cut down on body fat.

Though the amount of suffering the training causes more than makes up for the little consolation of food.

But really, to me food is one of the highest ecstasies of life. Maybe it could rival even music. It doesn't really gratify emotionally, it gratifies on so many levels that don't need to be tied down to emotions.

Last night's event at Home was fun, the music was awesome. The 5 piece band - the firefighters I think, was damn awesome. The electronica band before them was alright, in one of their pieces they sequenced their beats inbetween a third and quarter progression which didn't fall in fifths so it was kinda off. But these kinda things you can't really tell unless you've been sequencing for years anyway so I doubt anyone else or they themselves noticed.

Darren tried to hit on girl after that but CHICKENED OUT. Anyway if my intelligence is correct, the girls should dig him because Darren is like chicken little kinda cute and the girls will dig that. Or at least buy keychains of him if they cartoonized him.

Sometimes I'm not sure if the guys know what temperance is.

Anyway, training today ....

................

It soooo isn't my fault haha. I mean if I throw the ball but no one catches it, of course someone else is gonna pick it up, then alot of those who didn't catch it will reject the guy who eventually picked it up.

But thats life, tired of following poor conventions? Go and do what it takes to change those conventions. I've done my term, now just watching and analyzing will suffice for now.

He reminds me so much of the other one from some time ago. I know that he also senses this but misinterprets it as a form of mimicry. I just hope that he will make better decisions. That aspect of immaturity can be a powerful weapon, yet work must be done to control and direct it.

Anyway despite being so godamn tired...

Bishan running club got activated.

Not enough sleep and water during a draggy training session, chicken rice of all thing for dinner, tired legs from running 7km the day before are conditions perfect to test your mental fortitude and discipline against mr sji ex-cross country runner.

Anyway the new route through amk, braddel and back is refreshing. Cleared the whole thing in 30 mins with Sam, though when breaking in the route with Wee Koh we cleared at about 38 mins.

zzzzz nua weekoh!

Anyway Sam managed to get suspended from school for one month. How awesome is that? Extended holiday cause exams are finished anyway. Which is weird cause such things are happening... I mean its not some misfit breeding school like cat high.

Dota calls.

Hand in Hand

2007-10-04T14:00:00.000+08:00

Music composition is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

Once in a while I manage to compose a rare gem with a melody so strong, a voice so powerful that it seems to have a life of its own.

One such theme is one of the ending tracks of the musical Alice that I've been busy on. Its a humbling yet empowering experience to just let the melody be the voice to take control of the piece and command all the counter melodies to its side with such power and audacity.

What a girl wants, what a girl needs

2007-10-04T00:28:00.000+08:00

What does a girl want?

She doesn't want handsome guys.

She doesn't want guys with big muscles.

She doesn't want a guy with confidence.

She wants something cute.

She wants something adorable and weak.

She want something that she can say "awwwww' to.

Well at least, thats what most of the female population wants.

Its proven.

Put images of guys on products, or make them into keychains, chicks won't buy them.

Put something senselessly stupidly cute, and they'll love them.

Make the mascot of a game a suave hero and the majority of the buyers will be guys.

Make the mascot some cute animal thingy and you will tap into the female market.

Marketing statistics reveals wonders about the female psyche.

Yes, I understand them clearly now.

I understand that they cannot be understood because they do not understand that they must understand the preposterously inconsequential nature of all things cute.

Typical lazy day

2007-10-03T00:29:00.001+08:00

Actually it may seem lazy but its actually super multi-tasked.

Wake up,

Wash up while planning work schedule,

Check email and Battle Stations, load music into mp3 player,

Light breakfast,

Go for morning run with mp3 player, gather ideas for music,

Curse the godamn sun for being so godamn hot,

Come home, shower, revise work schedule for the day,

Eat,

Work Cycle: 1 hour cycle of working on music, checking email, playing battlestations, checking facebook and gyming in the room with dumbells and barbell.

Creative break: Load up anime on 32" LCD TV, bring handphone and remote control to bed, watch anime, struggle to switch of tv via remote before falling asleep for nap.

Wake up, go to work cycle.

Extended break: Watch many episodes of anime, play ps3, go shopping or watch movie.

Return to work cycle.

Eat,

Dota break: Round up gang or join existing game while doing weights between respawn or long traveling time in game.

Load up anime, set handphone to cradle on computer, bring remote control to bed, watch anime, struggle to switch off tv via remote before falling asleep for the night.

Important to not work on music for too long because you lose perspective if you're too involved in the piece or numbed from listening to it too many times.

Sometimes I burst out laughing at the com... seemingly to myself. People must think I'm mad.

Reu says:
MH LEARN HIPHOP?

2 brown monkeys and 1 brown Stitch in pizza hut says:
den hair fly everywhere like mad woman!
Reu says:
XD
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸* ♥p0oshhies♥ *.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
dey will rmb 4 u?
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸* ♥p0oshhies♥ *.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
!!!
2 brown monkeys and 1 brown Stitch in pizza hut says:
WAHAHA REU
2 brown monkeys and 1 brown Stitch in pizza hut says:
NICE REACTION
~*FEJLB*~ >>>>> ·f0undeR☆ «´¨`•.¸¸* ♥p0oshhies♥ *.¸¸.•´¨`» says:
i wan modern jazz
** Sparkling Tinkerbel** 2 brown monkeys and 1 brown Stitch in pizza hut says:i miss my huat kway hair says:
Oei..sHIt u..
Reu says:
THANKS GAB

one two pause one two pause

2007-10-01T20:58:00.000+08:00

Sometimes learning new genres of music can be a major pain in the ass.

Recently I've attempted to assimilate a new style and update myself on another.

The new one is Samba band. Organic bands are always a pain in the ass to pull off, because the timings of each beat always seem to be together yet they are not. I have to bunch up a whole bunch of snares together to try to emulate the mid tone drums of the band.

The style I'm updating myself on is trance/techno/hip hop. Yeah, they may be very different in terms of timing and progressions, like for instance techno runs on a 1-2 rhythm, hip hop on a slow 1-4 rhythm and trance on a fast 1-4 rhythm till it seems like a 1-2 rhythm. But the beats used are essentially the same modules and instruments most of the time.

The pain in the ass for these beats is that although the melodies and harmonies are numbskullingly simple and brainless, there's a whole lot of work that goes into the beats.

There are really simple loops all over commercially, used by songs on the radio, or in clubs, but beat pattern variations can get really complex. So complex that a programmer or engineer would be able to catch on faster than a musician who usually relies on feeling rather than logic. The beatsmith requires visualization and execution.

So yeah, its a huge challenge, but a damn fun one. Cause this is the style we decided to do the soundtrack of battle stations to.

rawr

2007-10-01T01:06:00.000+08:00

It sucks being sick.

I have very little to write about because most of the stuff I think about when I'm sick is like how to annihilate the universe.

Not again!

2007-09-30T11:11:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm playing a deadly game of ping pong flu with the people around me or something.

Thankfully it didn't affect my playing yesterday. But I really couldn't stay for the activities after church so that sucked.

It really sucks because I've been feeling shitty since wed and this has completely ruined my running program.

Allen says that the dark brown phlegm that I cough/sneeze out means that its quite bad.

I just want this to pass asap.

right o, yes milord?

2007-09-29T00:47:00.000+08:00

Its with a huge feeling of relief and satisfaction that almost all the tracks for the Alice musical is finished. November musical tracks are halfway done, and in about 2 weeks time I will have wrapped these two big projects up at long last.

Listening back to each of the tracks, it really is amazing how each of them came together. The songs for Alice was a major milestone for me to see just how much music I could write in such a short time, and thankfully I may be able to pull this off.

Ruby wants to do Narnia next year. That's gonna be so fun. She cried when she heard the final bridge of music before the finale that I've written to sum up the journey of the lonely rebellious protagonist. All the emotion in the melody and significance of how the answer call and reactive melodies and harmonies are used symbolizes just how much she has been through.

In a way it gives me satisfaction to see people react to my music in such a way. I'm not a sadist, its just that I can never feel my own music to the extent that other people would. Only by the reactions of others can I understand what I am supposed to feel.

Its sad, but in a way its what keeps me going. Like a runner that always wants to get faster, or someone who wants to get stronger, he has reason to train. So too is it for me that I can never experience what I want to portray in my own work, that I will continue to write and chase that illusive emotion.

Very soon, I'll be working on the soundtrack for the next big thing in facebook, the first animated turn based mmorpg - Battle Stations.

I can't wait to start :)

HAH???!?!!

2007-09-27T13:05:00.000+08:00

Aftermath of running 2 X 6km followed by dancing for 4 hours = painful calves.

Phuture was painfully crowded.

The poor lighting makes people look better at times. It also makes it harder to make out some features or characteristics which would usually be used to tell guy/gal apart, especially if said individual has had a sex change operation.

Yuck.

Sometimes you can just sense it, thankfully. Darren's camera confirmed it, praise be to mother theresa that I ran away.

I can respect whatever kind of personal liberation one would get from being a transsexual or something, I can respect that individual as a person, but getting hit on by one just gives me the eepie jeebies.

I also get really worried when people lean over and try to scream to talk to you.

You know when the music's so loud, then your friend tries to talk to you by raising his/her voice.

But you can't hear, cause the music's too loud, so you scream "HUH?!"

So your friend then goes right up to you, and takes a deep breath before screaming and slowly enunciating each word out carefully, louder than 25 1 metre super monitor speakers can dish out nonsensical heavy-booming treble-piercing noise for 800 plus people, gently massaging your inner ear drums with his/her gentle voice.

And people wonder why their ears ring...

Every time someone does that, a cute kitty dies.

Save the kitties.

Use hand signs or your phone.

Decisive precise shopping operation

2007-09-25T22:58:00.000+08:00

Some uni students are so over-burdened with homework, they have to do their homework in the middle of a dimsum buffet lunch with friends.

Browsed around Peninsula plaza after that while Gab went to look for his camera. Alot of really interesting shops. There was one that sold magical reagants, like... frankincense, devil's shoe lace and all sorts of weird herbs for charms. Jia ming was exceptionally amused by the satanic-rock music/clothes shop.

But what caught my attention was this:

Its a performance keyboard. It would so rock to perform with this, but the price tag was insane.

Went to shop around ann siang hill/road after that. One thing I hate about shopping there is that unlike town, there's no air con from shop to shop. Nordic, Venue, Asylum and Front Row are pretty worth the effort, though. Especially that one shop that shifted and is hidden so well that I had to backtrack twice to find the damned place while Jasline, Minghui and the rest chilled somewhere for a drink. They think I'm too serious when it comes to shopping... but I see it more as mission based. Gather recon on all op points before establishing the overall mission plan is vital before you swoop in for the kill. Anyway the staff were helpful too, helped me pick out a nice shirt.

Okay, behind schedule again, back to work.

Assholes

2007-09-24T22:18:00.000+08:00

Today on the way back I was reminded of a certain senior warrant officer who tried to cause me some trouble back during my ns days.

lol I can say BACK DURING MY NS DAYS... ORD LOH.

Though I never really could find much joy on my ord day.... cause I wasn't really in camp much anyway.

Enough digressing....

You know that type, the asshole who hates to smile, gives you and your friends condescending looks, loves handing out extras and being anal about disciplinary issues.

I can appreciate what he did for the guys in camp on some level, because there had to be law, it is the army afterall, and someone had to be the bad guy while the rest played the politically correct guy.

He annoyed me because even the commander an ltc, and all the lt. col and maj.s under him whom I worked with knew to give the right amount of respect, which was duly reciprocated. But this guy.... all he seemed to want to do was to find something... anything to mar my perfect record.

He did almost get me, once. But ironically it was his superior whom I had helped out before whom let me know in advance. That's why its better to be the nice guy - people would rather help you than help an asshole.

But all is fair in the system. As he used it to try to get to me, I eventually learned to use it to put myself well out of his reach.

I guess thats one of the few good feelings I have from ord'ing. Being one of the few to ord in my camp with 0 extras. The letters were nice too.

In a way if he didn't try what he did, I would have never understood the system to the point that I did and may have ended up screwing something up in the end.

What makes such people tick? Misery loves company. Perhaps their lives are so miserable they feel better sharing it? or maybe its just for fun, I dunno. Some motivations are implausible.

Whats important is staying above them.

WE GONNA GRAB THAT oMGWTflol

2007-09-24T11:08:00.000+08:00

DONT THIS MAKE A NIGGA WANNA
DONT THIS MAKE A NIGGA WANNA
DONT THIS MAKE A NIGGA WANNA

WE GONNA GRAB THAT
WE GONNA GRAB THAT
WE GONNA GRAB THAT
WE GONNA GRAB THAT!!!

Omg its true that some music makes you stupider.

It truly is a travesty when stupid people are allowed to make music and infect other people with their stupidity.

Familiar grounds

2007-09-24T00:42:00.000+08:00

When I saw that mrt station something inside me just sank. I didn't know why at first, nor why it was so familiar. I thought my only memories of that place were from the race before, but that couldn't be the case, we alighted at the other station, and crossed the bridge, none of which were in that path.

Give a rower a paddle and he will feel like rowing, make him touch a pullup bar and he'll want to go up.

Muscle memory is a fascinating thing.

>:|

2007-09-21T00:09:00.000+08:00

Erh.... not sure how to recap last night's outing with the nteam guys.

I wasn't drunk... though I can't quite remember alot of parts of it.

The girls at phuture are scary.

It's not often you see eyes like that on a girl. Dangerous. He's really better off as friends.

Yeah. And errr... Sherwyn's ridiculously good at SUPER HD PUZZLE FIGHTER for the ps3.... which would be admirable if it weren't a godamn gu niang char boh game. He's good at resistance too which is good, Darren is still awesome because he can move and kill by moving around with the right stick and not aiming the crosshair with the left stick.

Justin's the type to talk big about a dare but end up not doing it.

Alvin's like the other Alvin... both can get high without alcohol.

Clement is the exact opposite.

Sebas is the type that sweat like a pig just swaying around.

Allen and Chee are phuture prowlers hahaha.

Kelward's english is reflected on his dressing.

Jem is scared of girls.

Where the hell was Stan?

Ugh I can't remember who else went.

Aftermath of the night is not being able to formulate thoughts properly to be logged down.

Sleep.

vs reu

2007-09-18T22:05:00.000+08:00

4:47pm

This is the first entry on my phone. Just finished exporting tracks for transfer to the studio where we'll be recording in 20 minutes time. After which i'll be rushing down to training.

I had a dream last night. Many times my subconscious has a way of talking down to myself in my dreams. Through all that happened in it the message was clear. I wish i was wrong about the interpretation, but i psycho-analyze myself too well and as much as i don't agree with that side of me, he's often right.

Could it have been a miscalculation on my part? Did i overestimate them? Nothing is forever. But do they really think they can find this elsewhere? I just smiled at those who left the team and talk shit about it. I know they never really got it. I just feel sorry for them because they never did. But the one thing that part of me was right about was that i never did enjoy playing a long game twice. Nevertheless now is the most crucial period. Now is when those who can still stand strong must do so for those who cannot. I don't want him to be right.

9:33pm

Well its 930pm now, finally finished recording and am finally going home. Really went overtime tonight but we had to get those songs recorded by tonight. It really really sucks that I had to mis training because of this but studio time costs money, getting singers costs money and deadlines are poking us in the ass.

Sometimes its stressful trying to set deadlines while maintaining a constant state of relaxation for the music to come to me. Sometimes i over do it and end up sleeping or watching one more episode of anime wasting valuable time.

I want to play heavenly sword on my ps3 but i just know it will be so hard to pull myself away from it. The stress i face in work is some kind of complicated complacent stress, not the in-your-face kind of stress.

Nowadays when I tell people of what I do, and the projects that I'm working on and clients I'm working with they stare at me in disbelief. Just telling people that you are a music composer will raise people's eyebrows.

Questions like "how did you start?" "can make enough?" "how do you find clients?" or "how do people find you?" come up. I wonder if these are the questions they ask themselves and end up being the reason why they never try to pursue their dream job - because they can not find the right solution to the most critical things.

Approach to life are the same in the most critical and fundamental aspects though they appear to be deceivingly different. There are no double standards, no exceptions. Your approach to studies, to army life, to sports, to work are all related. If you can't find the solutions and are caught in the web of convention in one of these, don't expect to break out of it.

Power down.

2007-09-17T16:05:00.000+08:00

Blackout for most of the day today. Sucks.

I swear I spent like 30 minutes walking back and forth from my room to the kitchen over and over again thinking of what to do before going to gym.

Can't facebook, can't battle stations, can't dota, can't work on music, can't check emails, can't play piano, can't watch tv, can't play ps3, wtf yes I'm a closeted nerd though I don't look like one.

Mom's scary, she can cook rice with just fire. Its like something out of survivor or something. I think I'm too dependent on the rice cooker, or electricity for that matter.

Went to Nexgen's industrial gathering on friday evening. Made me realize jut how small the gaming industry is in Singapore. Even more weird that none of my previous course mates from game design are in the industry yet. Either ran off elsewhere or are still studying somehow. So now I'm working with my previous lecturers and etc, sorta like I jumped grade which is cool because previously I would submit assignments late just to go for training.

After that team Tyler went to SMU to play DOTA. It really is quite scary playing dota with game designers sometimes. Some are so meticulous about gameplay mechanics you just don't want to be in the same lane as them when you are in opposite teams. Even more scary was the occasional student around campus still working on some project.

........
Hope this weekend's race will go better.

Let tomorrow never come

2007-09-15T23:23:00.000+08:00

Today's race was the most exciting in a long time to say the least, in the way that it was quite dramatic.

Though it sucks like the feeling that you know that you got an A on the exam, but ended up getting a C because you were looking at the wrong question numbers or something.

We got the best timing. Sometimes the end of the dream that we want isn't as important as the dream itself.

I hope that the dream will not end tomorrow.

The power to change things is too far away for us. I don't know how many will still be around for it. How nice it would be to have the equipment and training methodologies that will bring us to world class status come right here right now. But all big changes take time. Even more so when you are trying to build a fund for those big changes.

Every team was a simulation to bug test a few aspects of the program. The one that I know will work for our guys in our situations and lifestyles. There's no point trying to train like the overseas teams. The way most of them do is quite primitive in comparison.

I just don't know if these guys will be around for that day when we'll finally stand proud.

There are many in it who have grown so much, who really know what it means to be in a team.

Thats the beauty of the sport, it helps people grow and learn so much.

That big headed junior whom I led around and taught how to gym and trained with is still searching for that one thing, but he now knows that he doesn't have to search alone.

The bug teethed senior who only wanted to prove himself now knows how to take care of his juniors and sacrifice things for his team mates.

That quiet crazy guy who just trained like a madman and shut up now knows what to say to his team and understands them beyond the point of having to use force or emotion.

That easy going, happy go lucky guy now knows how to serious up and commit emotionally to a situation that he sets his mind on.

That big ogre who didn't dare push himself far now has overcome is internal obstacles and in so doing overcome his greatest obstacles.

The one who was always overcome by his emotions who was stopped by barriers set by someone to overcome to make him stronger now is aware of and control those emotions, and he is beginning to see those barriers for what they are.

There are still so many who are at the beginning stages.

So many who have yet to realize what they are capable of.

Will it be here or elsewhere?

We the victims of Singapore

2007-09-12T23:35:00.000+08:00

A familiar word today at the meeting made me realize how different things are now from last time.

9 years ago I remember what it was like being under the Spex 2000 and eventually spex 21 schemes.

We were identified as high performance athletes, the talented in our sport out of the multitude.

I remember the privileges, schemes and programs for us. The top coaches flown specially from overseas to provide us with new insight on training, technique, methods and psyche. The cluster training programs, the combined training programs.

We looked at each other in reverence for just making the team. All of us knew what was expected out of all it, but it was never about national pride or representing the country, we were taught to just take one fight at a time, and constantly improve ourselves no matter what.

We didn't have to worry about anything other than that, because a solid system was set out specifically for the optimal development of us, the athletes.

Today the sport is so different, the support is also so different.

Although I do agree that most of it back then we felt was quite unnecessary, some programs did in fact help a lot. Screw the money and training facilities crap. So what if they payed our school fees back then? Government already subsidizes so much. We didn't need fancy facilities or nutrition or psychology nonsense.

Its support in the form of training programs, cluster training programs, overseas training programs, exposure to other team trainings and coaches that the committee can help with.

Some of the guys think that its about the money for all of them. Maybe it is for one, and he managed to pull off alot of nonsense behind their backs, but the new guy has done one thing right in such short amount of time. He's managed to get the Major's proactive support at last to take a seat in the committee. Can't blame the guys, since every cent matters to them so much at the moment, but for the new committee, I highly doubt that an extra couple hundred a month would even tickle their fancy.

Its weird finally meeting one of the founding legends of the sport at last. Hearing of all he's done, I can't help but be skeptical of him. But hearing him out today makes me wonder if it really is possible for him to be all that he's made out to be. Although something about him is off.

Money is the least of evils for some people. We'll just have to wait and see.

Regardless, everything possible has been laid out for the team already. Everything we need is here at last.

The rest is up to us from here. In terms of chances and support, we are far more fortunate than 2 years ago. But I wonder how many will give up the victim's mentality?

Sidenote:

What's really amazing is how one can talk about the development of a team when he fails to foresee and ensure the development of his own team.

Talk about tone deaf.

work work

2007-09-12T02:44:00.000+08:00

I was so not looking forward to today because it was going to be so busy.

But when I went to rehearsal and everyone was insanely overly appreciative of my little work, the fever didn't seem so bad (note this was the point when the panadol probably kicked in)

And when I heard Sha sing "Back Home" after I had finished teaching her the new songs, and I felt her emotion in the song, I felt everything that I wanted to portray in the song but couldn't feel at the time. Its a magical feeling every time a singer manages to feel the melody and lyrics to your song and sings it out.

I'm loving my job more and more each day.

Was talking to a taxi driver on the way to training in the evening. He brought up the subject of working in Singapore. Of the stress, demands, but on thing he couldn't take was having to suck up to the boss.

Perhaps for some people it goes too much against their pride. Smarter people will know to play the fool to catch one. And smoke office politics to their advantage. I'm lucky to be able to not give too much of a shit about that, because a composer has a right to be emotionally engaged in his work. Though I try my best to conform to the team of directors at times, I think that I can be quite demanding.

Sometimes Ruby complains when I'm too adamant about some things in the score, but in the end they see the reason for it, like today when the cast came back with such awesome choreo to one of the scenes. She's slowly trusting my lead, I just hope that I don't lead us all into a ditch.

mail bomb

2007-09-11T23:22:00.000+08:00

I'm usually at home, so I can cull my emails often. Just being out for the most of today left me swarmed emails...

Some:

Hey… how are you doing? I am very interested in your work and would like to know if you have any time to really teach me the basics of character creation, like what software applications are the best to use, coding concepts, etc. I am a big fan of your work and would like to create characters of the same caliber. I figured you would be a great mentor and source of contact. I know that you have a life outside of mugen and I wouldn’t want to waste any of your time. I just thought I would ask. Nothing beats a failure but a try.

Also, I would like to know how your progress is on the other 2 characters that you are creating. I’m very excited about the concepts for both of them. Will there be any teaser trailers like you did with dragon claw?

Clifton R. Manning

oops, forgot Kingtire and Aiduzzi lol

but yea, will do

thx ^_^

your creations = the very reason MUGEN is still around. It laid the foundation of pimpness for others to follow >:)

On 9/10/07, Reu Kee wrote: Sure dude,

Just credit me Kingtigre and Aiduzzi for the sprites, will ya?

All the best for your project,

- Reu

----- Original Message -----
From: "Dani Sofjan"
To
Subject: Permission from aZCal
Date: Sun, 9 Sep 2007 23:57:24 -0500

I finally found a way to contact you.

This is aZcal, creator of Sabaki Ryuuken.

In my release, a series of sprites I ripped from your Evil Ryu are included

I'm asking permission for the green light. If not, I shall take them off with the next update.

~please reply

lol wow thanks! Im actually suprised you responded Reu. Very cool of you. Ok ill go with that. Im familiar a bit on what you mentioned. Thanks a lot!

PS

Good luck with that Cyber ninja

and Metroid Samus too. seen and heard about that.

Reu Keewrote:
Hey Ivan,

Use a helper for the shield. Helpers can take on about everything like the player can, sctrls and hitdefs, reverersals and nothitbys, so that would be where you should be looking. For referencing you need to look inside the mugen docs folder, sctrls, triggers and exps, refer to these everyday.

- Reu

----- Original Message -----
From: "ivan scott"
To:
Subject: Just asking for a little help on a creation matter.
Date: Sun, 9 Sep 2007 15:21:33 -0700 (PDT)

Hello. Sorry to bother you but im in the process of creating my first fighter from scratch.
Its a Demon Terry CVS type im doing. I have most of the basic moves in and i have the idea of the creating
Basics down packed a bit. Ive added in certain special effects.

My only issue is im trying to add this Shield effect as a Special move to em but,
I dont know how to add it on properly. I pulled off the part on Projectiles but that
shield issue im stuck on.

The shield effect is from @ndrode's Mech rugal. A Win pose he does a Shield pops up around em. well im making that
Terry's Shield effect. Is this even possible? Kinda like how your evil ryu's invisable shield works hitting a person while hes walking towards them.

here are the images

(shield motion im using. i already put it in. but not coded)

(thats the effect. also added in and not coded.)

In short im Using Fighter Factory. I seen a Helper option there but i dont know
how to use that. tried to find videos but i couldnt find any. so i tried projectile
and obviously it shot the image forward....

Anyway,
i made his hands out like a DBZ fighter to be different.
and im gonna use Rugals Repel sound effect for it too.

please hit me back when you get a chance. I really want to pull him off.

Thank you

Trying to mentor new programmers can be quite tedious at times, but when they are so polite, it makes it better.

:(

2007-09-10T23:00:00.000+08:00

Battle Stations server is down.

I'm so sad. So damn sad.

And I have a sore throat again.

And I have a fever again.

And tomorrow is going to be my busiest day of this week.

-Drop by Safsa training
-Rush down to changi for rehearsal
-Rush down to cairnhill to teach
-Rush back to kallang for training

Downing panadol before bed. Let there be a miracle tonight.

Introducing Dragon Boating

2007-09-10T14:03:00.001+08:00

Myth: Dragon Boating is a team sport.

Fact: It is an individual sport, the participants just happen to be forced to row together.

Design a dragon boat that will break apart and let the rowers split up, and most of them will. Some will move ahead, some will slack behind, some poor guys will get stuck in the middle.

In basketball, you have to depend on your team mates to assist you to attack by passing or blocking out opponents. In volleyball you have to depend on your teammates to cover areas that are out of your range.

In a dragon boat, all you can do is.... shout.

Contribution to the team in pulling harder is better off motivated by other factors than actually doing it for the team anyway.

Such is the tragedy of dragon boating.

Woe is us.

battle stations

2007-09-10T01:07:00.000+08:00

Just got a sweet top from adidas among some other things while shopping with Hong today.

Pretty impressive how they managed to combine several synthetic polymerized materials like that. The result is very futuristic and sleek. Quite possibly the future of clothing because it dries ridiculously fast, doesn't need to be ironed, yet due to the uneven tension in material elasticity, limiting conformation around the human body produces some very aesthetically pleasing designs.

The price sucks though... 4-5 times the price of similar classed tops by other leading sports brands.

I've spent over 5 hours on facebook today thanks to the new battle stations game. It really is quite addictive. Shit. As if facebook alone wasn't bad enough already. Proud to say the guys at Tyler are responsible for it, and am proud to be part of the team, even if not for this project XD. TY WHY IS THERE NO MUSIC FOR THE GAME?!

Anyway its like the first flash game for facebook. The graphics rocks, the gameplay rocks, its almost as good as dota.

THE GAUNTLET

2007-09-09T12:44:00.000+08:00

all shall be as children, will be, as children, once more. says:
not bad what.
Reu says:
yeah!
Reu says:
its awesome
Reu says:
the design
Reu says:
but its godamn shortsleeved
Reu says:
so that sux
all shall be as children, will be, as children, once more. says:
lol
all shall be as children, will be, as children, once more. says:
what's the problem with shortsleeve
all shall be as children, will be, as children, once more. says:
you can wear
all shall be as children, will be, as children, once more. says:
gauntlets
all shall be as children, will be, as children, once more. says:
hahahahaa

Actually.... if there are nice neoprene gauntlets they may not be so bad.

Then again maybe not.

End of the week

2007-09-08T22:16:00.001+08:00

Mom finds it shocking that I didn't know which country they ran off to for the past week.

Seriously, they run out of the country like 99 times a year how am I supposed to keep track of where they go?

Just looking forward to a good rest tonight. The past few nights of senselessly inconsequential activities don't seem to add up positively at all.

Okay I lack sleep from the past few nights, and am on the verge of turning back to the dark side because of that.

As a result I have rant.

Sometimes I look at other people, to see if what they do every day is directly related to their career or goals. Of course not everything can contribute directly, you gotta sit back and just take your moment in, sometimes by yourself, sometimes with friends.

There are also things that contribute negatively to your state or value of life. People who live in the moment too much probably fail to see this.

I'm sure that cigarette will make you look cooler in years to come, or make you look smart in front of you friends who actually know shit. Or that statement on your body that will make you look like a true gentleman, after all, everyone wants to be a punk or look hip for the rest of their lives. Speeding on the roads will increase your chances of finding gold. And putting yourself in more dangerous situations like riding a motorbike just for the thrill or to look good will raise your intelligence.

The most fun things in life defy logic,
but they don't necessarily have to be so godamn stupid, do they?

Worse part is when stupid people influence my friends who don't know any better yet.

I really want to thousand hand slap such people.

Short sighted

2007-09-06T23:01:00.001+08:00

Back in school I always blamed everything.

Why do we never have enough rowers to go for race with?

Why do the many who join, end up leaving?

Why do my team mates lack drive for the sport?

Why do they not want to achieve more?

Why the stupid school doesn't make ccas compulsory?

Why is the mentality of polytechnic students so screwed up?

Why does the coach scare rowers away when we need them most?

Why does he not encourage us?

If the school made ccas compulsory we would have more rowers.

If training worked toward the purpose of developing a love for the sport, they would stay for passion.

If they had a passion for it and loved it, they would not leave.

If they row for long enough, they will want to expect more of themselves in competitions.

If we set a high standard in training and competitions, the juniors will feel a sense of pride and work to uphold it.

If the coach made it a point to know each of us, talk to us more, encourage us more, more would have stayed.

I looked at stronger teams like njc, ntu, nus, and I felt resent.

Conditions all made easy for them.

A history of strong teams and good record, those looking to join will know what they are getting into.

Strong encouragement to join clubs to either stay in hall or just meet requirement.

When these two factors are present, its easier to attract those who would work hard for the sport.

When those who work hard in training are present, others around them will work hard also due to the law of reciprocity.

I didn't resent the teams. I respected them so much, but I resented their circumstance, like a jealous child looking at his sibling get more attention.

But once you are so godamn fed up blaming everything else, you look at how you can change things.

Reconstruction, from the base up. If situations weren't right, I would change them, or work around them.

Those who seem to stay and fight in the most adverse situations seem to get all the attention, when it is in fact those who work behind the scenes to try and make the situations better that make the difference.

Because those who persevere will never progress any further than the equation allows.

Until someone changes the variables for them.

I feel sad whenever they talk badly about him.

About him leaving, about him giving up.

When it is them who never saw things as he did.

Never saw all the wheels he set into motion for us.

Now even when things are improving yet seem bad, people complain.

They blame everyone else. They blame coach, they blame him.

It never was his fault,

It was mine.

I couldn't get ready fast enough. I was narrow sighted and set my eyes only on the simulation I was running at the time.

Just as the one I placed so much hope on let me down, I let him down. That's why I can never blame him. I'm no better.

Everything takes time. The biggest changes need the most time. I don't intend to fail again.

If success came easy, anyone could make it. If everyone was as lucky, they would make it.

Conditions all made easy for the other sports, for the other countries.

Not forever.

When more and more people give up, I know that I must go on. Because everything in the world will tell you that you cannot get what you want, or do what you love, and everyone will agree.

Finding that solution to problems that so very few have dared or persevered on to achieve. Perhaps that is a form of giving life meaning.

If living life means living each day bound by rules and set conventions, I'd rather not live it.

Ironically it is coming so close to losing that life that wakes you up and realize just how much power each of us has.

If you want to take the easy way out, you take it for life.

But everyone is short-sighted, aren't they?

Everyone around me told me I sucked.

That I suck playing the piano.

That I should stop wasting time on games.

That you can't make a living doing something that you truly love.

That such things are for hobbies alone or side jobs.

But if they only knew, of how much I have done in so little time. And how much more I will become in the very near future.

That's why they will never get what I have. Feel what I feel. Even when I have lost so much.

Oh shi-!

2007-09-06T12:43:00.000+08:00

Last night, amidst all the chaos and drunkenness I heard a melody that was so moving.

But I forgot to record it down and now it is lost forever.

Aughhhhhh

Well, at least until it surfaces from the inner recesses of my mind again.

Stupid people.

2007-09-04T23:29:00.000+08:00

A couple of nights ago I went for a run around the neighborhood at around midnight.

There was a black car parked diagonally toward the sidewalk along one of the streets that I was passing by. Three guys happened to be standing around that car smoking.

When I was about to pass the car, they got in and got ready to drive off.

Didn't think much about it until about 100 metres down the road, that same black car revved up and came to a stop about 25 meters in front of me. The three guys got out of the car and started walking towards me.

The one in front shouted a loud "oi", as they walked toward me swinging their arms outward in full ego.

I despise people who try to belittle other people just to amuse themselves. Even more despicable was the manner of which they slyly smiled and try to squeeze their way out of the situation when they realized that they had made a grave miscalculation in trying to interrupt my run for such a preposterous reason.

Why do such people still even exist?

If I were the me of several years ago, I would have gladly handed all three of them something that they deserved.

But I'm through with that ever-widening cycle.

Nothing good can come from something bad.

Dream on

2007-09-04T01:55:00.000+08:00

Over the past few days I've had the opportunity to meet two very successful millionaires. Both were kind enough to give an insight into their life, work and achievements.

The first took the track of studying, then going out to work in a company, eventually making his way up until he can afford two villas. He shared how the high flyer life looked good from the outside, like flying overseas just for a lunch appointment, then back home the next day. The typical singaporean's ideal "dream". So to speak. But he also said that although it may seem like an impressive way to live, he didn't like it. In the slots of free time that he has, he is left trying to find meaningful things to do. Perhaps the most common realization I have noticed from such people is that they do not find their life fulfilling. Which is odd, isn't it? This is the track that most people want, that most people would kill for.

The second was studying, then he came to the realization that that may not be such a good idea, so he went back to the core of his interest and pursued that. He shared of how difficult it was, how scary it was, even having to sell his blood to chemical testing companies to be able to meet the payroll of his contracted employees. He said that he always dreamed of making a game that would sell millions of copies. Yet when that day came, he was in the office alone, looking at that piece of plastic saying "this shit is what I almost died for?'. But despite that, every day he looks forward to work. He loves his work, and despite meeting his lifelong goal already, he loves his work more and more.

Today I had the pleasure of representing Tyler projects for a games development masterclass with speakers from the top developers/publishers in the field organized by the IDA singapore. The amount of money that the goverment is trying to pump into this field is really quite overwhelming. Even institutions like SMU which currently house our office provided funding to help kick start the company.

But despite all this, its still very difficult to succeed.

I must say that even with all the encouragement, funding, courses to try and teach people how to be entrepreneurs and mentoring from large industries provide, I cannot see the real crux of the matter being taught.

Its not as easy nowadays as last time. Despite the majority of mindless Singaporeans going through the education system without questions, feeding off supplied purposes in life, there are a growing number who crave for more. These people want to start something new, they want to find meaning in their work, but they do not know why.

They can learn how, of course, with all the help the government is providing, but I wonder if they will ever find the answer to 'why' they should do it.

Perhaps the "why" is the one thing that they should be teaching. Maybe they don't teach it because it comes in such a painful way. I know mine was.

I wonder how Tianyang found his. There's alot of know-how behind the running of Tyler, but I can also feel a genuine desire somewhere.

2 years to be the leader in my niche market. Thats the first short term goal to that big dream. But I now know that that the end of the dream is not what I'm looking for.

But the dream itself.

Saturday night fever!

2007-09-02T01:00:00.001+08:00

Yeap. fever. sucks.

^_^

2007-08-31T00:57:00.000+08:00

And I thought I was bad... some of the guys on hardwarezone were studying weather patterns around the comex site because it was raining.

Finally got my dream phone which i've been eyeing for months before it was released in singapore.

Along with the razer tarantula keyboard. This baby is tough that you can't just press the keys normally. You gotta press them real hard like a real man. A real nerdy man. Actually i think something's wrong with the keyboard. Doh.

COMEX 2007

2007-08-30T12:10:00.001+08:00

Things to do before going to comex...

1. Study Floor plans of stalls

2. Mark out desired stalls to visit

3. Set way points between stalls to visit

4. Note alternate way points in case of heavy congestion

Level up equipment

2007-08-30T00:56:00.000+08:00

Its amazing what a little funding can do.

One of the few reasons for me to leave my room is now obsolete.... cause my room cum studio cum entertainment hub is now a room cum studio cum entertainment hub cum gym.

I almost died trying to lug this shit back home... but I didn't want to wait 2 days for it to be delivered.

And the godamn taxi driver refused to get out of the cab to help me even close the boot. I should have just left it open.

I wanted to get the punching ball but I know I'll end up breaking something in the room...

To Far Away Times again

2007-08-29T10:15:00.000+08:00

Got quite an interesting request in the mail today.

Hi,

I've been a big fan of your work in the remixing community for quite a
while, culminating in your involvement with the Chrono Symphonic
project. At the time I first listened to it, I thought that your
arrangement of To Far Away Times was absolutely stunningly beautiful.
Now I'm being married in a few days and my fiancee and I thought that
your piano arrangement would make a beautiful recessional.

Do you happen to have the piano version (minus pixietricks' vocals)
available? I've been able to find the pixietricks version freely
available, but the piano only is what we'd like for the wedding.

Thanks very much for your time,

Er-- Gr---

>_<

2007-08-29T01:26:00.001+08:00

Its been quite a disastrous week.

First on sat the news that snoc hates us.

Then on monday the fighter's guild has a huge change in policy removing a bunch of rules, creating chaos for the entire guild.

But the funny thing is...

It takes disaster to shake people and make them react. And because of that I've found people who share the same views as me. People who have been through the same shit and who haven't gone to hell... or at least come back from it.

Sometimes it sucks, but I always believe that what goes around comes around. Gotta be the change that you want to see in people, even if it sucks. I think I'll just sleep.

Was looking at shades the other day... Adidas' red white one looks aight, but is a complete disaster with the strap. Rudy's new line totally rocks. Lens that can bend until each end of the lens touches with each other.... too bad the one I want needs two months to be flown in from the states.

I need another Rudy project store.

*ppssssssssffft

2007-08-26T18:07:00.000+08:00

What a crazy week.

Almost died when Ruby brought the deadlines forward... man.... But finally.... today, everything is cleared at last.

At least the first wave is over.

Two more weeks of slightly less business, then gg. Please let me enjoy my 2-3 months of holiday in peace. Though it seems all this working spree will be for nothing as the holiday won't be required after all. Godamnit.

Whatever. 5 crew race. Go and get gold back. Godamnit. GOLD GODAMNIT.

This quarter's zouk card is a nice light blue. Their designs rock. Met Zic last night too. He's still the same old mommy and Fiona's boy. haha. I remember someone telling me that fashion shows usually have better music than the usual disco mixes. Think there's a certain amount of truth to that. The heavy beat on one of the tracks was incredible. It wasn't sequenced, couldn't be. It must have been recorded live because there was absolutely no pattern to it. And another piece had this jazz synth playing. Awesome.

Despite the crazy week just being able to come back and dota with the guys provides some amount of relief.

COMPOSING SPREE

2007-08-25T03:34:00.001+08:00

I've hereby composed close to 60 minutes for the year end musical. 60 minutes of original material. My god, its the most I've done up for any project in my life. I could very well just take a break for the rest of the year after this month, but there are still so many more projects to finish. Doh!

Its kinda like milestone training. I feel like I can compose for any movie or musical now. Hahaha.

Had a nice long run just now, clear everything out. Its interesting to have a running partner thats so used to running with you that when you encounter obstacles like slow people fumbling around clumsily the both of you automatically assume formation and can get past them.

Familiar places, familiar foods. Its nice to just come back to it all every now and then.

XD

2007-08-23T21:29:00.000+08:00

omfg I'm overworked.

Deadlines creeping, rehearsals coming up and so many projects starting/ending which is the most crucial time.

I'm seriously running out of inspiration...

But its possible. I can do this.

There are people working harder out there for what they believe in. Just because I'm doing what I love doesn't mean its going to be easy all the time.

I just barely met tomorrow's deadlines, but next week will be the hardest.

Despite all the hardwork... Just listening to this latest scene's track still gives me goosebumps.

Every changing yet stationary

2007-08-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

Met up with Roger to discuss the end of the year project... and hopefully the last show that I'll be tempted to work on for this year. I didn't think anyone would find the study of art history remotely interesting - one of the required modules to take in NUS' art degree syllabus.

There's something noble about trying to preserve the art of a certain era. Perhaps through appreciation of old feelings can one re-live days long ago which makes us who we are.

Thankfully I can not appreciate such nostalgia, which means I'm still quite young. However I can see the significance of reaffirming one's identify through his past.

The first show of its kind in Singapore. Would be quite exciting if I haven't already been working on so many "first of its kind in Singapore" kinda stuff recently.

Just finished part of another scene. Evil badass dancing queen with bhangra beats. The lady's request in style which worked out pretty well.

Two Sides

2007-08-20T01:03:00.000+08:00

Life always has a way of showing you both sides in order to let you choose which side you want.

Those who can not handle responsibility will have it taken from them. Yet those who take what little responsibility given to them who cherish and make the best of it will make it grow. In a way I am relieved. It seems that he simply can not handle things. Talking with him made me realize that I could have easily provided him with all the solutions necessary and ended his infinite cycle of self assurance, but in the end it would be merely prolonging the inevitable.

It seems that some things just cannot be passed down or taught. I once blamed myself for not teaching or equipping the next batch with the necessary skills to continue the running of the team or club. But now my conscience is clear. The primary variable which the equation depends so heavily on is ultimately the one who will take your place.

Ironically this is the best opportunity for the team to accomplish something very important. So many of them have grown so much, I feel so happy for them.

I remember the first time. I wanted to because I wanted to right all the wrongs that were going on through past - others and mine. I wanted to give everyone the chance that they deserved, the chance that I never got.

But it is through hardship that allows you to perceive things strongly. And by providing an ideal environment, you deprive them of that critical chance to perceive things as you yourself do.

Someone once asked me:
"why is it that all of them gradually come to the dark side except you?"

I jokingly replied:
"Because the lesser poison can never affect the greater poison."

But in actuality, you can't poison something that has already died.

2007-08-17T11:18:00.001+08:00

I just randomly stumbled across something so ridiculously cool I'm seriously thinking of getting one.

Green Lasers
So what are these lasers we're selling like hot cakes? In case you were wondering - Wicked Lasers' doesn't specialize in regular low power (5mW) presentation or key chain laser pointers. We sell some of the most powerful handheld laser products in the world. Our green lasers are so bright and powerful they can burn, slash and melt plastic or, if you are so inclined, light your cigarette. The green lasers create a beam you can see for miles in dark conditions. Think we're exaggerating? When people buy our lasers they are so proud of what their new gadgets can do, they can't help posting a video of their laser in action. Have a look at some of our videos in our member forum or go to green lasers to find out more.

Lowered power laser has healing properties, higher powered beams burn, how cool is that? The lasers can pop balloons, etch into leather, light cigarettes, and even set of fireworks XD.

Its like a low end light saber... with 100 mile range.

Hazards of gaming

2007-08-17T00:04:00.000+08:00

For the past few months the reason 8-12 people comprising of ord'd recce guys and hot gaming chicks have been sleeping very late is because of one thing - DOTA.

It seems tonight the gang is unusually tired due to school and what not and we'll all be able to sleep early. Woot.

If there wasn't so much to learn about teamwork, I would have gotten bored of the game long ago.

Ironically.... just the other day we had a guys versus girls game. And despite our superior individual skills, the guys team lost. Because the girls had far better teamwork (And stupid jiaming kept feeding the girls team). But anyway it really is similar to dragonboat or working in any project group or team. You can be the best individually, but if that best doesn't contribute to your team mates, then you lose out. If you can't compromise a little to help your team out, you lose. If you keep bitching at your team mates and only irritate them, you lose.

Its hard to find that balance to shine individually yet contribute. Every game we play with different characters, all the variables in the equation change, and different people will be able to stand out. Maybe thats why I like the game so much. To try and find the solution to a problem that changes every time we play.

I shoryuken people who say that DOTA sucks just because they can't grasp the game.

Pains

2007-08-16T01:48:00.000+08:00

Overworking a piece can be such a pain sometimes.

I have to listen through the rendered piece over and over again to make sure that no one instrument glitches.

So many things could happen.

Instruments could disappear due to running out of memory.

Legato instruments could slur from the wrong note if parked at the wrong place in the song before recording.

Clicks or pops could randomly appear for no apparent reason.

It has to be perfect for the final rendition. From the Piano, oboe, violins, cellos, basses, oboes, flutes, clarinets, piccolos to the french horns, trumpets, tubas, harp, bass drums, snares, tom toms, timpani... the list goes on.

Each instrument's line have I meticulously written out for the orchestra and if even one disappears during this virtual performance my heart can literally skip a beat.

Ahh but that perfect recording. That one perfect recording when everything agrees to play flawlessly and it all comes together as it did in my head before I painstakingly brought them to live one by one... makes you feel that there is peace harmony and joy in the world. The earth rotates as it should and I don't have to go kick someone in the nuts.

Nowadays I have people waiting to begin work with me. For freelancers or any boss or contractor, it is a dream come true. To not worry about where the next project will come from.

But with it comes the price of potentially over stressing yourself... I don't know how long I can maintain this rate of work at, and people who don't snap often snap in a big way when they eventually do.... so....

I have been craving to get back into the sparring scene. But I know that's the worse possible thing I can get myself back into right now.

The career is really picking up now. Which makes me wonder what is most critical and important for the advancement of this ambition. I have forsaken my place in uni to pursue this grand dream yet again, but now I wonder if I have to do the same thing for Dragon Boat?

Sacrifice a smaller dream for the bigger one?

Bleh... I used to tell someone that you can accomplish more than usual with good time management, optimization of work flow and proper allocation of active and inactive work.

But you can only stretch so far before it snaps.

Tired numb

2007-08-14T17:41:00.000+08:00

I don't feel like moving much today. Back and chest ache too much from yesterday's training, and this afternoon's run has the legs tired too.

Too much bad karma going on over the past few weekends.

Ugh I'm just going to not think and just row. Its too depressing if you win, too depressing if you lose. Lets just forget about the sea games. Not like we haven't represented the country before in overseas competition and its not like its the biggest race out there either.

Note to self, the cup miso soup from 7-11 purchased during last week's midnight run with sam is awesome. Imported from Chuo Ku, Tokyo. Too bad its so friggin expensive.

March of the Doors

2007-08-13T16:46:00.000+08:00

You're listening to March of the Doors.

Sneak peak into one of the tracks I've been working on for the "Alice" musical.

This scene tells of how the main character encounters huge obstacles in the form of strong large doors. To me, each door represents a possible dream or ambition. In the end the protagonist finds the necessary keys or items required to enter the door of her choice despite the numerous set backs she endures.

=_=

2007-08-13T03:15:00.000+08:00

3:15am...

Just finished scene 7's arrangement proposal for tomorrow's presentation to NTUC. It should go ridiculously well whether I've finished this far into the conceptual arrangements or not anyway doh.

Sending Anthony some of the newer songs on msn. Its nice to be featured at a music festival, but it kinda sucks that its all the way in france.

Come to think of it, I think that more people know about me in the States or France.... even Japan than the people back here at home, according to google.

Rain rain

2007-08-12T23:16:00.000+08:00

I love the coolness of the rain. I love staying at home in the rain, canoeing in the rain, dragonboating in the rain. I've rowed to the Merlion and back to sdba in the rain.

But I hate running in the rain. The roads get slippery, and turning around corners can get messy.

Today when I finally finished the arrangement concept for scene 4 of the act3 musical and wanted to go for a run... it rained.

So I thought I can always run later.

Then just now when I went down to run, once I stepped foot on the road, it started drizzling.

....

Did a short run in the end, running home when the rain got too heavy. Legs still hurt from friday's training, so I was looking forward to a nice long run to warm everything up nicely.

The latest installation of the Ghost Recon series, Advanced Warfighter is quite a sight to behold. Nowadays game companies are working so hard on their light mapping, polygons, mocap, textures, etc etc, making games look closer and closer to reality.

I was following one of my men around with the cross-cam to issue orders, we were running from one point of cover to the next, stray bullets flying around, hitting the dry ground, sand and dust clouds kicked up everywhere, the sound of ricocheted bullets next to us. One of the guys suddenly yelled "Take cover" and everyone started to dart in separate directions in unison. A missile screamed through the air, slamming into one of the guys, the explosion was so close that the ground shook and I was temporarily blinded.

The dust settled, and the one hit by the missile was lying on the ground, asking for help. Oh, he just had red health. Wtf?

These guys can take a direct hit from a missile and still live. I wanna be a ghost recon trooper too.

PLAY WITH YOUR BODY

2007-08-10T19:19:00.001+08:00

Woot, tv mobile has got some nice programs nowadays. Alot about the arts scene. And the pranks are damn funny la, sometimes you just burst out laughing or you hear someone giggling behind.

But one thing I can not stand is Switchin Kitchens... the soundtrack... namely the intro song or any song that plays during the show just grinds me and makes me feel like shoryukening someone.

Today's shoot was quite fun. Its just nice being directed by an experienced photographer and not have to think so much. Left before Zic's slot though, I wonder how he's doing.

Quote of the day: "Comon guys, play with your body." - Coach

Happy Birthday Singapore

2007-08-09T23:48:00.000+08:00

National day training today. So fun..... woohoo..... Actually it was ok la. I'm starting to think that if it does work out for us, quite a few of us may actually die.

Sad to see so little understanding in the team. As senior members shouldn't they guide and mentor instead of point out? Then again its better that they are straight-forward I guess... tho with the wrong people.

What is a team? I guess they seem to think that its only a bunch of individuals getting together to do something and it ends there.

The reason why I made it a point to focus on one and only one team when it mattered, is because of this. Yet this is something that I had forgotten during army days.

I guess I was a lot wiser and sharper back in school.

Understanding, patience, compromise for the sake of your team mates, sacrifice for your team mates, not for yourself; these are all things required for each member to give. But they will not come in the first place if you don't want to love your team, or you have another team that you are attached to.

This sport is about supporting each other, not out running each other, out lifting each other or even out rowing each other. Not about trying to look point out your team mate's flaws or making them look worse. Sacrifice for yourself is selfish and self-serving. Sacrifice for others is actually worth a shit.

This is why I had to think so long about rejoining this team. People think that there's prestige or pride involved. I see none yet. You don't even get it standing on the podium or on stage. Its about realizing that you have sacrificed so much for the people in that team, and they have done the same for you. I see only sacrifice, both in time, money and injuries.

The ironic thing is that as sportsmen, theoretically they will never grasp this concept. Because the sportsman thrives on a certain amount of mental immaturity, inferiority complex to motivate him, to bite on his ego to keep him going. Someone thinking of all these things, of himself, will never think of others.

Why I continue in this sport, I don't know. There are too few people who share my view.

Why did I bother being so insistent on rowing on my weaker side, aggravating my injury? Because if we do make it, we'll need the best rowers, and if I row right, that means that one of the best will not be rowing. Yes, the left side have more in number, but they are also less experienced.

Why bother putting myself in a more dangerous situation? Quite apparently my wrist got worse and worse for the time trial because rowing a boat alone aggravates the strain. If I had just continued to row on the right side and keep it at its peak I would have avoided worsening it and had a higher chance of qualifying. Maybe none of them will be able understand. All they can accomplish is think of stories that will make me either look like a show-off or look like I'm trying to take someone's place.

I tire of such people. As much as I want them to mature mentally, emotionally, it is ultimately up to them.

Don't they see that they think that the people who have done wrong are damaging the team, when they themselves are damaging it the most?

Is it really worth it?

Watched the parade on tv and live from a suite on the top floor of Raffles The Plaza. First time I saw the fireworks at eye level, not needing to look up. All the alcohol you can drink, though I didn't drink any of it.

It was so sad, listening to the music one last time, remembering all the times we rowed past and they were rehearsing, the lighting, the music, the sounds. Tonight it was the biggest night, as if it wanted to bloom one last time before dying.

The wheels are already in motion, just a few more years till that music playing will be mine.

Busy for what?

2007-08-09T01:49:00.000+08:00

Oh nos... I haven't played my poor PS3 since forever. Been busy referencing, incubating and working.

Part of a composer's job is to slack. Believe it or not, because after the period of referencing source styles, arrangements and melodies, comes the period of incubation, where the sub-conscious does the work in magically surfacing the music.

You can't just try and sit at the piano and declare that you are going to compose something. Because nothing will come.

There used to be this awesome game for the playstation called breath of fire. In it there was this mini game called the fairy village. Every now and then you'd drop by the fairy village and tell them what to do and give them stuff to work with. Then you would have to go out into the game world and advance the storyline, fight off monsters, etc to pass time in fairy land.

So yeah, its sort of like leaving the fairies to do their work in your head.

OKAY STUPID ILLUSTRATION.

Anyway, sometimes an awesome melody comes to me when I least expect it, like... walking on the street or in the mrt. Then out of fear of losing it, which is very possible, I have to whip out my handphone and record it down.

This often involves singing or humming to it... which then makes me look like I'm singing to my girlfriend over the phone or something. Ahhh but people don't stare too much.

At least not when I stare back at them.

^_^

Met Paerin today to discuss yet another musical for Fly Ent. Its going to get busy, but at least I'll be on track to be able to take a couple months off work at the end of the year.

But I may not need to after all.

Actually, I can't imagine not composing. Its not that I need something to occupy my time or I'll turn into some slack waste. There are too many other things that I want to do. Its just that I love it too much.

2007-08-07T23:22:00.000+08:00

Sigh. Sometimes planning moves for Samus can be such a headache.

Like how to freeze an enemy in a block of ice. Different characters have different heights, so obviously one generic block of ice will fail miserably in providing accurate graphical satisfaction for the freezing.

Couple of solutions:

1: Use head positioning constant
(Generic ice block height to be at 100 pixels, divide that by 100 times the height of the enemy) plus 8 pixels for allowance of hair, etc.

2: Land invisible helper on enemy spawned from sky. Spawned X pos to be set to target, drop down record the Y pos at contact. Discrepancy here will be movement per gametick due to velocity of the helper. Estimated 5-10 pixels error.

3: Spawn helper from bottom and record Y pos at loss of contact with target. Same error as solution 2.

Bloody headache. I was looking at how Warcraft 3 calculates the spawning of the electricity graphics between targets, and this is what I roughly got:

Basic lightning sprite base is 100 units. For every 100 units distance to target, spawn one sprite.

If distance is 830 units, divide by 100, use constant as number of spawned sprite, decimel to be last spawned sprite scaled according to /100*decimal value*100 = scaled to decimal value.

Actually, I think that if I don't do game programming, I wouldn't be able to do music very well, because both sides of the brain must have constant exercise function at peak. One thing our current education system is severely lacking. But it doesn't really matter when all you want is to train people who follow the paths given to them and feel lost if someone else doesn't give them direction. So in that aspect, it works!

And why the hell am I wandering off into that topic, no no none of my concern.

Game programming is fun especially for particles when you can use expressions comprising of sine cosine or pi, E, etc to make wave and curve velocities happen real time. Yes, I was one of those weird people who liked F maths and Physics.

Though I had to give them up to chase that grand dream... oh well, they live on in me!

Damn you sun!

2007-08-06T14:31:00.001+08:00

Okay, the nice period where it would always be cloudy and almost rainy at noon time is over. Nowadays the godamn sun is back in full force.

This means that I have to crawl back into the shade out of breath in between sets during afternoon training.

Many many years ago I love the sun. I would love the heat and warmth and brightness and the tan on my skin.

I must have been one screwed up kid!

Finding center

2007-08-04T21:41:00.001+08:00

Today was time trial for the time trial for the sea games. Wtf right?

Individually we need to qualify today to go for the time trial as a group for the sports council to see if we're good enough to be sent to the sea games.

I was unusually nervous today because my wrist has been getting from bad to worse while I row on the left side... and that's all I've been practicing, save for one session on the right. Being able to row on both sides has its pluses, but if you don't practice on one side, it really isn't going to be all that great.

So yeah, I planned to aim for a spot on the left side while rowing on my right. Which turned out to fail terribly as the lack of practice on that side obviously nerfed my speed.

So it was do or die.... best compromise I came up with was to row on the left side for the last set at 90% instead of 100%, while not using the reverse buggy whip and drive B... my more powerful strokes for heavy boat situations. To compensate I had to do something funny to my kicking.... so now my left leg is hurting quite a bit. Ended prematurely while coach yelled out the timing. Like that's as good as calling to stop, right? Turns out he just yelled it for fun or something and I ended up gliding in while I had to eject the paddle out of my top arm out of tightness.

But in the end, I guess I'm lucky that despite the handicap and screw up, I had a good enough timing to make the cut.

I wish I could say the same for the rest of the SAFSA guys. I felt proud for some of them, yet shared their disappointment. As in felt their disappointment, not felt disappointed in them. I remember the last time the trial was held for the last sea games, I couldn't train much because it was the period when I was going through BMT and subsequently was going for course, so no attaching out, and senseless combat training.... with ridiculously little amounts of physical training. So I know how they feel, and I know that I can't really say much to make them feel better.

But I also am proud that they feel the anger and disappointment, because as a sportsman, if you don't have them, you're as good as useless.

Also interesting to be able to confirm a theory today. That each natural stroke is the most effective for an individual. Looking at the bent arms of Allen, or the short reach of Chun Hao, executing the stroke that was because their body tells them so strongly that that is what it is comfortable with and that is what will get them to move the fastest.

As a leader and trainer previously I always knew that as each person's body is different, each person's strengths and weaknesses are different, so too must each person's ideal stroke be. This is their greatest strength as an individual, but their greatest weakness in a team, because variations in stroke would mean small changes in timings in different parts of the stroke, which would affect their team mates in a negative manner, preventing them from giving their best, because of clashes in space, paddles or just plain frustration.

Its that balance of both unique technique and compromise for the team that is required in a team sport.

Sometimes I wonder what my natural stroke would be like. I take pride in being able to assimilate any stroke from any team, seeing the strengths, the weaknesses, and executing them with ease. But such comfortability to conform to any stroke comes at the price of not being able to recognize what would be best for myself by feeling.

So all I can do is calculate and estimate in a technical manner. Which can be quite tedious at most times.