5am

Its been so long since I've woken up so early. Reminds me of the days when I had to wake up early to go to camp. And of the days when I woke up in some bunk in camp.

My memories of waking up in camp are a little like that of a nomad. Every few months, new bunk, new bed, new surroundings, moving about to reach the final ideal vocation. It was one out of four possible vocations that I was aiming for which would allow me to attach out for safsa and fulfill one of my dreams.

"Always have more than one contingency. Have a contingency for your contingency and a contingency for that." Was the reason for me planning four possible routes. The calls had been made, letters of recommendations sent out. Back then it was just a matter of which route opened up first. It was one of the few invaluable lessons that I learned during my informal/formal mentorship sessions with some of the more knowledgeable officers in my camp.

When I told people what I did for camp (at home), not even about my attachment life, they would always say stuff like "so good", "so you got like a dream vocation la". But they really don't know the amount of work put into getting there.


It was weird, really. I was put into the best possible circumstance, with the best running for what most people perceive to be the most "prestigious" track for my ns term. But giving that up for something more important than what I have always perceived to be the shallow convention landed me in probably some of the worst possible circumstances at first.

But thats just how life I knew that I wanted to live my life. Finding my own goals and chasing after them for my own reasons. Not goals that people tell you to chase after, for reasons that have been told to them.

I suppose in that aspect, my fighting spirit will never die. Always a rebel, always fighting for his own cause.

I know that deep down inside, I've found something so invaluable. Because I recognize the difference of how empty it felt from before I had found it, when I was still following blindly. You really need to see both sides to are able to tell which one is the side for you.




"As long as you follow someone, you will forever be behind him.", I remember my first mentor telling me. But I soon realized that following someone than improving on it on your own terms wasn't even enough, because it was in someone else's initial direction.

Those that inspire us, who motivate us can be such strong reasons to be like, to follow. But I've learned to identify what makes them strong, learn and try to apply, but move on.

What speaks from yourself, can never be from another person. What impresses you can be the inspiration of another person, but what inspires you comes from moments, situations in life; its what makes you. Nothing like that can ever coincide perfectly with another human being.