Six months on, life goes on but ...

Last Friday was the 6 month anniversary of Reuben's departure. The family still misses him dearly. Life goes on, but somehow things are no longer the same...

I have to make sure that I don't listen to 'sad' music, especially when I am alone in the car, else the tears start to come. I wish I had spent more time with Reuben, to know him better. To tell him that I am proud of him and that I love him.

The Shi Tsu puppy we bought helps to cheer us up a bit cuz she is so lovable and intelligent.
Ha, the one time mummy gave Reuben a hair cut, she used our dearly departed poodle Muffin's hair shaver. Reuben had bought his own hair shaver and used to give his team mates a hair cut at our house. Now I am using his shaver to trim our new dog's hair. Tit-for-tat eh?
We named the puppy Clavi, after Reuben's Clavinova. She is a clever dog, very intelligent, playful and very sociable.

The SSC called yesterday and said that the inquiry results will be out on Friday.
Somehow, it makes me feel uneasy. They asked me if we want to meet the press, but I said no.
I am afraid that I will become angry and bitter if the inquiry's conclusions do not meet my expectations. I have been saying that it was an accident and that we should not 'blame' anyone. But my son (and 4 others) are gone, and somehow, someone must accept the responsibility for their deaths.

It pains my heart to see Reuben's mom cry each time she misses him. Her health has suffered and her asthma from 20 years ago has come back. Reu's sister has been strong, but I know she misses him very much.

Life back to "normal"

Just after we said farewell to Reuben, someone asked me, "Well Freddie, everything back to normal?". Can life be normal again when u have lost your only son? A son is supposed to bury his father and not the other way round. Every now and then I question God why? And then I put my heart in His hands to trust Him, to remember that this life is not the life that God meant for us to live. God wanted us to live forever, in love, without pain and suffering and sorrow (and stress).

Today I finally used up the tube of Loreal hair gel that Reuben liked to 'use' sometimes. He also liked to use the Spalding shampoo that I had. It will disappear from my bathroom because he would borrow it to use after his training. I love that shampoo and so did he. But I don't use it daily now because I cannot find it in the shops and ...

Anyway, God is taking care of us. I quit my "paid" volunteer work Dec 1st 2007, and have been trying to go back to my financial consultancy work. It has been hard to start up the 'work' motor. But yesterday and today, 3 of my clients actually contacted me so...

I managed to pass my CEHA exam last year, so I am hoping for some work opportunites there.
Yesterday I went to donate blood (I am a regular blood donor, I donate 3 to 4 times a year) and someone there introduced a potential client to me.

Strange birthday

I remember years ago, when Reuben's mom bought me tickets to the musical Phantom of the Opera to celebrate my birthday. This year, on April 26th, we went to a film screening of 'To Speak' with over 50 of family and friends, to listen to the music that Reuben wrote for the film. There was a reception afterwards and several people came to say that the music was wonderful and that by writing the music for the film, Reuben was helping to raise funds for Tabitha International to help the many poor Cambodians.

In some way it was a "interesting" celebration for my birthday on April 29th.
The numbers are also interesting.
I was born in '54, it was my 54th birthday and it was exactly 5 months and 4 days
after Reuben was found in Cambodia on November 25th 2007.

Yesterday, I attempted again to clear some of Reuben's belongings.
Some things we know we want to keep, like his medals and his oars
but others I can't bear to get rid off.
Still I managed to pack all his army stuff into his army bag. Hopefully some of the young people will help me bring it down to the recycle area on Sunday.

I tried to give away his hamster cage and accessories but no takers. Then someone offered to buy them at around $20. But somehow we did not want to sell. Maybe because it became a commercial transaction and his things are too precious to sell. Strange logic.

I remember someone asked for Reuben's dragonboat id-tag but when I asked to see the person, he didn't respond. Well, I was wearing the id-tag on a few occasions, to keep Reuben close to my heart.
Freddie Kee
(Reuben's dad)

btw there are still some copies of the limited edition CD of Reu's music from the film (with a tribute to Reuben + bonus music with Shimona singing). If you are interested, send an email to freddiek@singnet.com.sg asap to book a copy.

How to move on? Sometimes Life gives us a kick in the ...

I have been deliberating and debating with myself whether I should do it. I did it for Facebook and there has been no complaints or spam. Well yesterday, I had a 'sign' that things cannot be kept frozen. I updated the software for Reuben's handphone which I am using now -after paying Sony money to unlock the psw, and found that everything was gone. Fortunately, I had backed up the contacts and pictures etc, but the record of sms and calls to and from him was GONE.
I have been holding on to them, afraid to erase them but now I have no choice.

Someone close said that "I'm afraid that I will forget Reuben." I want to do this to keep the memory of Reuben alive, to remind myself and others of the love that Reuben had for his mother, family, friends and everyone he came in contact with.

I also want to help people know and enjoy his music, cuz the new pple who hear his music are touched by it. It uplifts and inspires them. It comforts and calms them.

Yes Reuben my son, you have composed songs which are helping people when they are stressed, sad and lonely. And your life and music will continue to help people to "expect more of themselves". You have succeeded in a small way to impact many people's lives.


Freddie Kee
(Reuben's dad)