Tuesday, July 31, 2007

screwed up

Sometimes songs make you feel all shitty inside, not because of the way they sound, but because of direct relation to events.

One such song is 'Promiscuous girl'... which doesn't sound sad at all, but every time I hear that song, I remember one time that I was on the feeder bus from CCK mrt to camp, and it just so happened that I really really didn't want to go back to camp that day for some reason that I can't remember, and that song played on my mp3 player.

So yeah, every time I hear that song now I think "OMG CAMP!"... first, then after that I think "LOL ORD LOH".

Last night I had a dream.

It was the first time I've seen his face since forever. He was standing at the open gate, seemingly oblivious to what happened, looking as if everything was fine. I ran to him, pulled him to me and just cried. I think the last time I cried like that was when I was what, 5 years old or something?

It's been so many years since it happened. No one spoke of it since, and I gladly made a point to bury it so deep to forget everything so that I wouldn't have to deal with how screwed up it felt. We all knew that it could happen to any of us, maybe it was bad luck to talk of it less the same happen to one of us. After all, we were training not just to fight, but to take out our opponent in the shortest time possible.

Death has a way of making partings seem like they never happened. You don't have to say goodbye, you don't have to worry about sending the person off. But you know that unlike the friends that leave you, they won't have a chance to be happy. And maybe thats all you want for those whom you spent time with in your life but have left you - for them to be happy.

It seems the only place that I can feel certain things is in my dreams, where my conscious mind doesn't select and filter each thought and emotion carefully as I have trained it to do over the years.

Its always easy to shut off everyone so that you won't be hurt again. Cut out from all negative feelings, one would be able to carry on with life in the most efficient manner, after all. As a pianist I've learned during my earlier concerts to block out nervousness, anxiety, aggression, stress, and just be an empty shell so that I can fill myself with each emotion required for the piece.

There's no clear better or worse option, I believe. As long as your fist is clenched, you cannot hold on to anything. Some people find more meaning in life holding on something. Some people find more meaning in life making that fist as hard as possible.

There is no middle ground.

1 comment:

jans said...

i know you may never read this but... it's just really heartbreaking to know that the people around closest to you are feeling how you felt then.

i hope that you find peace and joy on the other side.

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