Awaken

Years ago the thought of being in a team with people who didn't expect to win disgusted me.

Then I realized that some people don't expect much of themselves. A liability to any team these people are. When there are those who give their all and try their best, and when there are those who take things slow, make excuses and cheat themselves and in the end cheat their team mates.

I accepted that fact. I tried to find others like me at first, but in the end I acknowledged that it was not easy to find like-minded people. But if I could bring those from the other side over to mine, if I could help them inculcate a desire to win somehow, then they would prove an asset and a strength to the team instead of bringing it down.

To make that happen, I realized that I had to be in a position to set certain variables in my favor, to bring a change of conditions to the environment. It takes time and planning. Perhaps abit of provocation in some, to push them out of the emotional corners that they so desperately hide in. There were times when I hated what had to be done, I hated what I had become in order to strengthen some people, strengthen the team. Screaming and shouting at people is the weakest form of provocation. Find something that they believe in, that they want, and challenge that, and you will see that even the most docile person will eventually learn to stand up for himself.

Yet I clung onto all this, in hopes that at the end of it all, something invaluable will be gained.

Fast forward to new teams, new groups of work. Where I cannot summon enough energy to move the variables to our favor as I did in the past. Yet the frustration of seeing those who have already given up spread their poor expectations to the rest of the team.

Realistic? Feasible? No matter the odds, all out, or not at all. Otherwise there is no point.

What frustrates me even more is that I am gradually accepting their views. I am gradually sharing their despair.

Part of me just wants to let them know that such people quite simply put: fucking useless.

Yet a part of me still hopes, that one day, they will reawaken to the possibilities that they once dreamed off, yet somehow lost the fight for along the way after falling down again and again. Or for those who never did, that they will at last expect more of themselves.

No matter the odds, no matter how strong the opposing team. Even if we don't win, I'd give my all in the hope of overcoming the odds.


I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this right now. Today I almost made a mistake. Many years ago I learned a painful lesson, and yet today I almost forgot about that and made it again.

In decision making, as long as your emotions lead you, especially in times of distress, you have so much to lose and nothing to gain except perhaps superficial temporary emotional relief which is outweighed by the cost later.

Rationally process, logically filter. To be able to use the most distressing situation to your advantage, one would have to become that.

I was so good at being that. But somehow along the line I missed what it was like to be human. To react to feelings, to emotions. Was it worth it to be this perfect meticulous thing? No one is born perfect. To emulate it means to induce a reasonable amount of stress proportionate to how far away from perfection your starting point is. In my case- very far.



Perhaps all I need is rest. No, more than that. A long break. Free from factors which would pull at my own emotional corners.

Oh wait, there are no more corners.