Closer and closer.
I heard it today, and yesterday. Its getting worse.
What I feared so much, feels so good.
To not give a damn, to give in to it.
Maybe it preparation for going into unfamiliar territory. If anything would happen there, he would be able to ensure any threat would be nullified.
Its so hard to fight against instinct sometimes. Yet sometimes instinct is the only thing that will keep you alive. But it can also strip you of what makes you human.
This trip will be a fight in more ways than one.
The short talk I had with coach before disembarking worries me.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
doh
Terrible, been quite unconstructive these few days. Work rate is moving slowly while the work is piling up.
Kinda like laying off studying while an impending exam of doom approaches. I hope that I don't have to mug.
Nah, no hope. I won't have to. Time to kick up the pace.
Kinda like laying off studying while an impending exam of doom approaches. I hope that I don't have to mug.
Nah, no hope. I won't have to. Time to kick up the pace.
Monday, November 19, 2007
bball day
Basketball with Ron, JK, Keith, Adrian and Derek.
Our star player, aka Ron who's represented the country in basketball before is quite sickening to watch because he rarely misses a shot- even with a sprained ankle.
Felt good doing layups and my unblockable sky-hook, even though its a bit rusty cause its been so long since I've played.
Heard something very familiar: "gai4 ta1".
Basically it means to cover the person whom you're guarding from making the shot, but somehow along the line that meaning slowly changed to: "smack the ball away right about the time your mark releases the ball to the net."
Most short players will think that tall people can do this very easily, so I heard it very often when I was playing often a couple of years ago. It kinda sucks sometimes. Because you never hear a short person getting asked to do it. Yet as a tall person it really isn't easy, because your mark can easily fake the shot while you are left hanging in the air, waiting to swat away a ball that is being dribbled around you on the ground.
That really is about on of the most depressing type of moments that you can relive over and over again in basketball.
Today's entry will be rather thoughtless because I don't really feel like thinking much.
Our star player, aka Ron who's represented the country in basketball before is quite sickening to watch because he rarely misses a shot- even with a sprained ankle.
Felt good doing layups and my unblockable sky-hook, even though its a bit rusty cause its been so long since I've played.
Heard something very familiar: "gai4 ta1".
Basically it means to cover the person whom you're guarding from making the shot, but somehow along the line that meaning slowly changed to: "smack the ball away right about the time your mark releases the ball to the net."
Most short players will think that tall people can do this very easily, so I heard it very often when I was playing often a couple of years ago. It kinda sucks sometimes. Because you never hear a short person getting asked to do it. Yet as a tall person it really isn't easy, because your mark can easily fake the shot while you are left hanging in the air, waiting to swat away a ball that is being dribbled around you on the ground.
That really is about on of the most depressing type of moments that you can relive over and over again in basketball.
Today's entry will be rather thoughtless because I don't really feel like thinking much.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
poodle!!!1
What do you do when you see someone with a nick such as:
"She wasn't on the bus today. haiz... wat should i do next time I see? Approach?"
I couldn't hold it in any longer, seriously, after seeing that for a few days.
Reu said:
NEXT TIME YOU SEE HER SMACK HER AT THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND POINT MIDDLE FINGER
Hahah sorry Melvin.
Flea market at Zouk today. Went early but not early enough! Managed to grab the last few of good buys.
Also spotted this cute little brown toy poodle. Wanted to BRING THAT HOME AND EAT IT RAWRRRRR.
I can't believe I woke up at 3.30am today. What a crazy yet boring day.
"She wasn't on the bus today. haiz... wat should i do next time I see? Approach?"
I couldn't hold it in any longer, seriously, after seeing that for a few days.
Reu said:
NEXT TIME YOU SEE HER SMACK HER AT THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND POINT MIDDLE FINGER
Hahah sorry Melvin.
Flea market at Zouk today. Went early but not early enough! Managed to grab the last few of good buys.
Also spotted this cute little brown toy poodle. Wanted to BRING THAT HOME AND EAT IT RAWRRRRR.
I can't believe I woke up at 3.30am today. What a crazy yet boring day.
5am
Its been so long since I've woken up so early. Reminds me of the days when I had to wake up early to go to camp. And of the days when I woke up in some bunk in camp.
My memories of waking up in camp are a little like that of a nomad. Every few months, new bunk, new bed, new surroundings, moving about to reach the final ideal vocation. It was one out of four possible vocations that I was aiming for which would allow me to attach out for safsa and fulfill one of my dreams.
"Always have more than one contingency. Have a contingency for your contingency and a contingency for that." Was the reason for me planning four possible routes. The calls had been made, letters of recommendations sent out. Back then it was just a matter of which route opened up first. It was one of the few invaluable lessons that I learned during my informal/formal mentorship sessions with some of the more knowledgeable officers in my camp.
When I told people what I did for camp (at home), not even about my attachment life, they would always say stuff like "so good", "so you got like a dream vocation la". But they really don't know the amount of work put into getting there.
It was weird, really. I was put into the best possible circumstance, with the best running for what most people perceive to be the most "prestigious" track for my ns term. But giving that up for something more important than what I have always perceived to be the shallow convention landed me in probably some of the worst possible circumstances at first.
But thats just how life I knew that I wanted to live my life. Finding my own goals and chasing after them for my own reasons. Not goals that people tell you to chase after, for reasons that have been told to them.
I suppose in that aspect, my fighting spirit will never die. Always a rebel, always fighting for his own cause.
I know that deep down inside, I've found something so invaluable. Because I recognize the difference of how empty it felt from before I had found it, when I was still following blindly. You really need to see both sides to are able to tell which one is the side for you.
"As long as you follow someone, you will forever be behind him.", I remember my first mentor telling me. But I soon realized that following someone than improving on it on your own terms wasn't even enough, because it was in someone else's initial direction.
Those that inspire us, who motivate us can be such strong reasons to be like, to follow. But I've learned to identify what makes them strong, learn and try to apply, but move on.
What speaks from yourself, can never be from another person. What impresses you can be the inspiration of another person, but what inspires you comes from moments, situations in life; its what makes you. Nothing like that can ever coincide perfectly with another human being.
My memories of waking up in camp are a little like that of a nomad. Every few months, new bunk, new bed, new surroundings, moving about to reach the final ideal vocation. It was one out of four possible vocations that I was aiming for which would allow me to attach out for safsa and fulfill one of my dreams.
"Always have more than one contingency. Have a contingency for your contingency and a contingency for that." Was the reason for me planning four possible routes. The calls had been made, letters of recommendations sent out. Back then it was just a matter of which route opened up first. It was one of the few invaluable lessons that I learned during my informal/formal mentorship sessions with some of the more knowledgeable officers in my camp.
When I told people what I did for camp (at home), not even about my attachment life, they would always say stuff like "so good", "so you got like a dream vocation la". But they really don't know the amount of work put into getting there.
It was weird, really. I was put into the best possible circumstance, with the best running for what most people perceive to be the most "prestigious" track for my ns term. But giving that up for something more important than what I have always perceived to be the shallow convention landed me in probably some of the worst possible circumstances at first.
But thats just how life I knew that I wanted to live my life. Finding my own goals and chasing after them for my own reasons. Not goals that people tell you to chase after, for reasons that have been told to them.
I suppose in that aspect, my fighting spirit will never die. Always a rebel, always fighting for his own cause.
I know that deep down inside, I've found something so invaluable. Because I recognize the difference of how empty it felt from before I had found it, when I was still following blindly. You really need to see both sides to are able to tell which one is the side for you.
"As long as you follow someone, you will forever be behind him.", I remember my first mentor telling me. But I soon realized that following someone than improving on it on your own terms wasn't even enough, because it was in someone else's initial direction.
Those that inspire us, who motivate us can be such strong reasons to be like, to follow. But I've learned to identify what makes them strong, learn and try to apply, but move on.
What speaks from yourself, can never be from another person. What impresses you can be the inspiration of another person, but what inspires you comes from moments, situations in life; its what makes you. Nothing like that can ever coincide perfectly with another human being.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Ahhh
Weekend are for blowing up canisters of fuel sending nearby enemies flying, jumping off walls while shooting enemies in the head before landing, taking out critical supports of structures as masses of buildings fall on bad guys - all in bullet time.
I love my ps3.
I love my ps3.
Friday, November 16, 2007
line
Aha..... One of the most irritating types of sprains to get in the gym is when you are doing shrugs, and you end up spraining your neck.
Alright, I swear the next project that comes along I'm going to put on hold until february.
Alright, I swear the next project that comes along I'm going to put on hold until february.
Awaken
Years ago the thought of being in a team with people who didn't expect to win disgusted me.
Then I realized that some people don't expect much of themselves. A liability to any team these people are. When there are those who give their all and try their best, and when there are those who take things slow, make excuses and cheat themselves and in the end cheat their team mates.
I accepted that fact. I tried to find others like me at first, but in the end I acknowledged that it was not easy to find like-minded people. But if I could bring those from the other side over to mine, if I could help them inculcate a desire to win somehow, then they would prove an asset and a strength to the team instead of bringing it down.
To make that happen, I realized that I had to be in a position to set certain variables in my favor, to bring a change of conditions to the environment. It takes time and planning. Perhaps abit of provocation in some, to push them out of the emotional corners that they so desperately hide in. There were times when I hated what had to be done, I hated what I had become in order to strengthen some people, strengthen the team. Screaming and shouting at people is the weakest form of provocation. Find something that they believe in, that they want, and challenge that, and you will see that even the most docile person will eventually learn to stand up for himself.
Yet I clung onto all this, in hopes that at the end of it all, something invaluable will be gained.
Fast forward to new teams, new groups of work. Where I cannot summon enough energy to move the variables to our favor as I did in the past. Yet the frustration of seeing those who have already given up spread their poor expectations to the rest of the team.
Realistic? Feasible? No matter the odds, all out, or not at all. Otherwise there is no point.
What frustrates me even more is that I am gradually accepting their views. I am gradually sharing their despair.
Part of me just wants to let them know that such people quite simply put: fucking useless.
Yet a part of me still hopes, that one day, they will reawaken to the possibilities that they once dreamed off, yet somehow lost the fight for along the way after falling down again and again. Or for those who never did, that they will at last expect more of themselves.
No matter the odds, no matter how strong the opposing team. Even if we don't win, I'd give my all in the hope of overcoming the odds.
I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this right now. Today I almost made a mistake. Many years ago I learned a painful lesson, and yet today I almost forgot about that and made it again.
In decision making, as long as your emotions lead you, especially in times of distress, you have so much to lose and nothing to gain except perhaps superficial temporary emotional relief which is outweighed by the cost later.
Rationally process, logically filter. To be able to use the most distressing situation to your advantage, one would have to become that.
I was so good at being that. But somehow along the line I missed what it was like to be human. To react to feelings, to emotions. Was it worth it to be this perfect meticulous thing? No one is born perfect. To emulate it means to induce a reasonable amount of stress proportionate to how far away from perfection your starting point is. In my case- very far.
Perhaps all I need is rest. No, more than that. A long break. Free from factors which would pull at my own emotional corners.
Oh wait, there are no more corners.
Then I realized that some people don't expect much of themselves. A liability to any team these people are. When there are those who give their all and try their best, and when there are those who take things slow, make excuses and cheat themselves and in the end cheat their team mates.
I accepted that fact. I tried to find others like me at first, but in the end I acknowledged that it was not easy to find like-minded people. But if I could bring those from the other side over to mine, if I could help them inculcate a desire to win somehow, then they would prove an asset and a strength to the team instead of bringing it down.
To make that happen, I realized that I had to be in a position to set certain variables in my favor, to bring a change of conditions to the environment. It takes time and planning. Perhaps abit of provocation in some, to push them out of the emotional corners that they so desperately hide in. There were times when I hated what had to be done, I hated what I had become in order to strengthen some people, strengthen the team. Screaming and shouting at people is the weakest form of provocation. Find something that they believe in, that they want, and challenge that, and you will see that even the most docile person will eventually learn to stand up for himself.
Yet I clung onto all this, in hopes that at the end of it all, something invaluable will be gained.
Fast forward to new teams, new groups of work. Where I cannot summon enough energy to move the variables to our favor as I did in the past. Yet the frustration of seeing those who have already given up spread their poor expectations to the rest of the team.
Realistic? Feasible? No matter the odds, all out, or not at all. Otherwise there is no point.
What frustrates me even more is that I am gradually accepting their views. I am gradually sharing their despair.
Part of me just wants to let them know that such people quite simply put: fucking useless.
Yet a part of me still hopes, that one day, they will reawaken to the possibilities that they once dreamed off, yet somehow lost the fight for along the way after falling down again and again. Or for those who never did, that they will at last expect more of themselves.
No matter the odds, no matter how strong the opposing team. Even if we don't win, I'd give my all in the hope of overcoming the odds.
I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this right now. Today I almost made a mistake. Many years ago I learned a painful lesson, and yet today I almost forgot about that and made it again.
In decision making, as long as your emotions lead you, especially in times of distress, you have so much to lose and nothing to gain except perhaps superficial temporary emotional relief which is outweighed by the cost later.
Rationally process, logically filter. To be able to use the most distressing situation to your advantage, one would have to become that.
I was so good at being that. But somehow along the line I missed what it was like to be human. To react to feelings, to emotions. Was it worth it to be this perfect meticulous thing? No one is born perfect. To emulate it means to induce a reasonable amount of stress proportionate to how far away from perfection your starting point is. In my case- very far.
Perhaps all I need is rest. No, more than that. A long break. Free from factors which would pull at my own emotional corners.
Oh wait, there are no more corners.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Pain
Day 3 into the new training cycle....
I forgot how much it could hurt to just move. Sore everywhere. The effect seems to be pretty fast, probably psychological though.
Recording today with Abigail. Seeing Roger direct really amazes me sometimes. The way he manages to keep super nice to get the best out of his actors shows an immense amount of patience and understanding. Its quite evident in quite alot of directors whom I've been working with lately actually. Whats needed and whats is detrimental to the creative process or dynamics of the work environment is such a delicate thing. Similar to leading a team, we all do that angry dictator thing while leading in our "infant" stages, but soon enough, those who are bright enough to understand their surroundings realize that is required to get things moving, and what isn't.
What would be better to facilitate movement and motivate, and what breeds frustration and rebellion. Especially with a more independent thinking team, treating people like kids just won't cut it. Usually nowadays, the final stages where people will mindlessly follow someone is in JC. Most poly students on the other hand couldn't give a shit and have better things to do, or picked the poly route for specific reason and have broken out of key sociogenic conventions.
Thats why I always believed it was vital to inculcate some form of maturity in this aspect during one's youth. Simulations in teams, groups. Learning from others mistakes is good, but eventually one will have to venture into new ground and error-proof his own methods.
How else is one supposed to motivate his company or run a business with shitty attitude or poor leadership skills.
Its almost always certain that the first few times one leads, he commit some of the greatest taboos and ends up falling flat on his back. Better to make those mistakes in a team than later on in a company and end up losing money and repertoire.
Been talking to Sakir about his fighting game engine. Its really quite amazing what can be accomplished when you put a really smart programmer to work on an engine. So many things that we never thought off as possible in the past, now to be made available. The past of fighting game characters that were 5-10mb, to plans for a 150-200mb character file.
I only with I had more time to work on this. Perhaps if I can somehow find a time to take a break off music, I'll just play around with game development again.
I so want to.
I forgot how much it could hurt to just move. Sore everywhere. The effect seems to be pretty fast, probably psychological though.
Recording today with Abigail. Seeing Roger direct really amazes me sometimes. The way he manages to keep super nice to get the best out of his actors shows an immense amount of patience and understanding. Its quite evident in quite alot of directors whom I've been working with lately actually. Whats needed and whats is detrimental to the creative process or dynamics of the work environment is such a delicate thing. Similar to leading a team, we all do that angry dictator thing while leading in our "infant" stages, but soon enough, those who are bright enough to understand their surroundings realize that is required to get things moving, and what isn't.
What would be better to facilitate movement and motivate, and what breeds frustration and rebellion. Especially with a more independent thinking team, treating people like kids just won't cut it. Usually nowadays, the final stages where people will mindlessly follow someone is in JC. Most poly students on the other hand couldn't give a shit and have better things to do, or picked the poly route for specific reason and have broken out of key sociogenic conventions.
Thats why I always believed it was vital to inculcate some form of maturity in this aspect during one's youth. Simulations in teams, groups. Learning from others mistakes is good, but eventually one will have to venture into new ground and error-proof his own methods.
How else is one supposed to motivate his company or run a business with shitty attitude or poor leadership skills.
Its almost always certain that the first few times one leads, he commit some of the greatest taboos and ends up falling flat on his back. Better to make those mistakes in a team than later on in a company and end up losing money and repertoire.
Been talking to Sakir about his fighting game engine. Its really quite amazing what can be accomplished when you put a really smart programmer to work on an engine. So many things that we never thought off as possible in the past, now to be made available. The past of fighting game characters that were 5-10mb, to plans for a 150-200mb character file.
I only with I had more time to work on this. Perhaps if I can somehow find a time to take a break off music, I'll just play around with game development again.
I so want to.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Yuck
3am.... finally finished monday's task - cause I was out the whole day XD.
Thank god half of the dota gang is having exams so I can actually get around to do some work at night.
Watched saw 4 with kel, jem, seb, yol and etc sim ppl. Sick show. Plot was pretty interesting though.
Sleep.
Thank god half of the dota gang is having exams so I can actually get around to do some work at night.
Watched saw 4 with kel, jem, seb, yol and etc sim ppl. Sick show. Plot was pretty interesting though.
Sleep.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
SHINKUU~~!
Rawr!
This week is going to be the busiest yet.
Mon - start and finish abigail's minus one track
Tues- finish act 3's christmas track
Wed - Narnia theme song
Thurs - Narnia theme song
Fri - Narnia theme song
One step at a time......
This week is going to be the busiest yet.
Mon - start and finish abigail's minus one track
Tues- finish act 3's christmas track
Wed - Narnia theme song
Thurs - Narnia theme song
Fri - Narnia theme song
One step at a time......
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Unforgettable
I never want to forget that moment.
When the 3000 strong crowd gave a standing ovation toward the end of the overture, and our cast of 712 innocent young voices sang their hearts out to the theme song. The song that I worried so much about them being able to hit in pitch, and keep in timing. In the end everything was perfect. The energy in their voices was incredible and they matched the energy of each of the instruments of the orchestra that I painstakingly played one by one. They could feel it, everything in my song from the significance of the victorious melody to the words of daring to dream.
I almost cried. Out of pure joy. If anything, although I prefer doing music for games, this is one aspect that neither games nor film can ever accomplish - the live sincerity of each performer's spirit when they sing your song. Its just moving. The words and melody that you thought of echoing in the voices of hundreds of people is really something. The cast was incredible, even more incredible was how young they were but how much passion they put into their rolls. Zul's choreo just warmed your heart, and the hundreds of people moving about on stage to the music just fit so perfectly.
I wouldn't change my job for the world.
Friday, November 9, 2007
crazy despo people.
Its sorta nice when you can cut the queue which starts from the entrance, goes down the road and into the carpark. Its nice that you can pull a friend in and save him/her from the queue too, but it becomes to pointless when you have more friends that you can't sign in.
Which may have been a good thing anyway, because when I went it to recce the place and crowd I was horrified.
Whats wrong with all those people? Why do they like to squeeze so much?
Insane. Senseless. Full of desperate people or something.
Its nights like those when I would much prefer to just eat supper with friends. And the chili padi from the fishball noodles owned me.
Heading back home and playing heavenly sword on the ps3 while lying on the bed until my eyes can't keep open anymore, then moving my arm a little to reach the remote to switch of the tv and game before dreaming of Nariko. - the ideal way to end off a holiday.
Which may have been a good thing anyway, because when I went it to recce the place and crowd I was horrified.
Whats wrong with all those people? Why do they like to squeeze so much?
Insane. Senseless. Full of desperate people or something.
Its nights like those when I would much prefer to just eat supper with friends. And the chili padi from the fishball noodles owned me.
Heading back home and playing heavenly sword on the ps3 while lying on the bed until my eyes can't keep open anymore, then moving my arm a little to reach the remote to switch of the tv and game before dreaming of Nariko. - the ideal way to end off a holiday.
next stop
Today is the mark of the next phase of training at last, after a one year phase of shrinking zzzzz.
I hope the shitty joints/ligaments are sufficiently recovered by now.
I hope the shitty joints/ligaments are sufficiently recovered by now.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
XD
Projects running/ending in nov-dec:
Media-freaks - FF - To be started
Media-freaks - AN - To be started
Nexgen - EL - In progress
Nexgen - HK - Completed
Tyler - KT - To be started
Tyler - BS - In progress
Stage Elegance - SN - Almost done
Act 3 - AL - Completed
Act 3 - CS - Almost done
MGS - MG - To be started
Asiasoft - AU - To be started
zzz.
I swear I'm the busiest composer I know.
I'm going to have to increase work-rate if I still want a break this year.
Ahhh must persevere! For great justice!!!111
Media-freaks - FF - To be started
Media-freaks - AN - To be started
Nexgen - EL - In progress
Nexgen - HK - Completed
Tyler - KT - To be started
Tyler - BS - In progress
Stage Elegance - SN - Almost done
Act 3 - AL - Completed
Act 3 - CS - Almost done
MGS - MG - To be started
Asiasoft - AU - To be started
zzz.
I swear I'm the busiest composer I know.
I'm going to have to increase work-rate if I still want a break this year.
Ahhh must persevere! For great justice!!!111
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
brudderly love
At the end of a set tonight,
Boonsan spits to the left. In the dark of the night, the direction he's facing makes it impossible for him to see himself.
But I see it, silhouetted by the lights of tanjong rhu, it drips down from his chin, slimey and thick. I thought he could feel it, but he just continues talking.
More drips down.
At this point kelward spits to the left of the boat right beside me.
And Alvin spits to the right of the boat, right infront of me.
And then, I hear something that makes my heart skip a beat.
"Eh, the water quite cold tonight."
It couldn't be, he couldn't possibly be thinking of doing that.
But yes, Boonsan dips his hand in the water, and tosses some water at me.
The calm stagnant water containing the aggregated spittle of everyone, from the hand that just wiped the spittle from his own chin.
And they wonder why bugs or flu is passed around the team so easily. I want to run to the back pack to row.
Boonsan spits to the left. In the dark of the night, the direction he's facing makes it impossible for him to see himself.
But I see it, silhouetted by the lights of tanjong rhu, it drips down from his chin, slimey and thick. I thought he could feel it, but he just continues talking.
More drips down.
At this point kelward spits to the left of the boat right beside me.
And Alvin spits to the right of the boat, right infront of me.
And then, I hear something that makes my heart skip a beat.
"Eh, the water quite cold tonight."
It couldn't be, he couldn't possibly be thinking of doing that.
But yes, Boonsan dips his hand in the water, and tosses some water at me.
The calm stagnant water containing the aggregated spittle of everyone, from the hand that just wiped the spittle from his own chin.
And they wonder why bugs or flu is passed around the team so easily. I want to run to the back pack to row.
Lions tigers bears, oh my my
Supper tonight reminded me of how dangerous some places are because of stupid people.
Shouting in hokkien, then chairs and tables screeching, a parang brandished and waved around, someone retaliates, someone slashed.
If Si were there, he'd probably want to dash in and disable both parties just for the rush. I know because a part of me wanted to. But its a smaller part of what used to be the bigger part in the past.
Sparring with him the other night was quite demoralizing. Years ago I would be able to catch any attack or move along with it while launching a reprisal. Now my reversals are a pathetic percentage. Gyming makes you slow and stupid, I tell you. Its probably also the lack of practice. And fear of going too far prevents me from staying in the zone for too long. Its also possible that the idiot is purposely exploiting blind spots and throwing me off rhythm. God, that's why it sucks so much sometimes.
Anyway I can never bring myself to be as serious as him about it anymore. Which is sad, yet I feel proud for him because he's moving on to higher places. As I've seen him progress through this track, similarly he's seen my dreams for music slowly become a reality, and when you look back at the past like that everything seems so unreal.
Got an sms from an old friend all the way from Australia today while I was shopping in town:
"Does your family object when you chose to follow your dream and not go to uni? Now i am graduating in a months time. I chose to work overseas. All I get is resistance. Why can't they support my decision?
My reply:
"There are dreams that may seem good but are only worth a short while, and there are dreams that you know you will have no regrets living for the rest of your life. Opposition to those dreams test how well we've thought it through and whether we really want it."
I can't even remember the countless simulations and calculations I've had to do to make sure I was sure about my dream and it was feasible and practical. I guess the hardest part is applying logic to something so illogical. I hope all goes well for her.
Up to today there is still no 100%, only belief. But as long as its a good percentage, I'll bet on it, because if I never did, then I would never know.
Shouting in hokkien, then chairs and tables screeching, a parang brandished and waved around, someone retaliates, someone slashed.
If Si were there, he'd probably want to dash in and disable both parties just for the rush. I know because a part of me wanted to. But its a smaller part of what used to be the bigger part in the past.
Sparring with him the other night was quite demoralizing. Years ago I would be able to catch any attack or move along with it while launching a reprisal. Now my reversals are a pathetic percentage. Gyming makes you slow and stupid, I tell you. Its probably also the lack of practice. And fear of going too far prevents me from staying in the zone for too long. Its also possible that the idiot is purposely exploiting blind spots and throwing me off rhythm. God, that's why it sucks so much sometimes.
Anyway I can never bring myself to be as serious as him about it anymore. Which is sad, yet I feel proud for him because he's moving on to higher places. As I've seen him progress through this track, similarly he's seen my dreams for music slowly become a reality, and when you look back at the past like that everything seems so unreal.
Got an sms from an old friend all the way from Australia today while I was shopping in town:
"Does your family object when you chose to follow your dream and not go to uni? Now i am graduating in a months time. I chose to work overseas. All I get is resistance. Why can't they support my decision?
My reply:
"There are dreams that may seem good but are only worth a short while, and there are dreams that you know you will have no regrets living for the rest of your life. Opposition to those dreams test how well we've thought it through and whether we really want it."
I can't even remember the countless simulations and calculations I've had to do to make sure I was sure about my dream and it was feasible and practical. I guess the hardest part is applying logic to something so illogical. I hope all goes well for her.
Up to today there is still no 100%, only belief. But as long as its a good percentage, I'll bet on it, because if I never did, then I would never know.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Unhappyhappy endings.
Since 2001, every regetta, a part of me dies at the farce which is called the Singapore River Regatta.
Its not a race to see which team is stronger. Its a competition to see if your collective karma as a team is good enough to get you a good lane in the finals. Its an innocent game of tag where coxswains must be alert and able to ditch their race course in a second to avert an oncoming 20 man dragon boat.
In such choppy waters, there should only be 3-4 lanes max to make room for error and current diversion. But no, a certain organization just wants to make as much money as possible, squeezing in as many boats as possible per race so they can invite more teams, ccs, csc, etc, finish asap and make as much money as possible.
They don't give a damn about fairness or equality. Not in those conditions. And why should they? At the end of the day it doesn't matter who wins or loses, because they make the most money and win.
But convention in this community says to take part in this race every year, despite the travesty it is to the sport. Singaporeans are well trained to accept the shittiest conditions without questioning if things could be better or how they could be better. No one will really boycott such a stupid race.
Nevertheless some of the guys finally found out what it means to take action for something that they believe in. Though last minute action can only make up for about 40% of the optimal end result, perhaps one of them may realize just how to plan for the rest of the 60%. Still, the courage to speak up for what you believe in will take you places already.
Seeing guys like long and cj give so much to the team, it pains me a little. Because I know that I'm not unselfishly giving as much as them anymore. The sacrifices they made in positioning and line up, in bringing equipment for the whole team, sad to say I would probably never see it from some of our guys. But its something you only get from a few years in the sport. After you are tired of fighting for your own place, and when you see someone fighting for others, then you realize just how small a person you really are. If you can even see it in the first place. If they were in my team some time back, I know things would have gone a lot smoother.
It sucks when you know what must be done and you could do it so easily, but you have to force yourself to be a watcher in hopes that the conditions will inspire change.
Thats probably the final but most important thing I would want them to learn before they bid their final farewell to this sport.
And perhaps, one day, when they look back, and realize just how much fun this sport really can be, without all the shit attached, they will go back.
For me, I guess a part of me already knew where I should go, but I wanted to see things through to the end with these guys.
In life, its really a blessing to find something that you love to do and to be able to do it. But to find people to do it with, to share the same goal with, the same pain and joy, happiness and frustration, can never be replaced by anything else in the world.
Its not a race to see which team is stronger. Its a competition to see if your collective karma as a team is good enough to get you a good lane in the finals. Its an innocent game of tag where coxswains must be alert and able to ditch their race course in a second to avert an oncoming 20 man dragon boat.
In such choppy waters, there should only be 3-4 lanes max to make room for error and current diversion. But no, a certain organization just wants to make as much money as possible, squeezing in as many boats as possible per race so they can invite more teams, ccs, csc, etc, finish asap and make as much money as possible.
They don't give a damn about fairness or equality. Not in those conditions. And why should they? At the end of the day it doesn't matter who wins or loses, because they make the most money and win.
But convention in this community says to take part in this race every year, despite the travesty it is to the sport. Singaporeans are well trained to accept the shittiest conditions without questioning if things could be better or how they could be better. No one will really boycott such a stupid race.
Nevertheless some of the guys finally found out what it means to take action for something that they believe in. Though last minute action can only make up for about 40% of the optimal end result, perhaps one of them may realize just how to plan for the rest of the 60%. Still, the courage to speak up for what you believe in will take you places already.
Seeing guys like long and cj give so much to the team, it pains me a little. Because I know that I'm not unselfishly giving as much as them anymore. The sacrifices they made in positioning and line up, in bringing equipment for the whole team, sad to say I would probably never see it from some of our guys. But its something you only get from a few years in the sport. After you are tired of fighting for your own place, and when you see someone fighting for others, then you realize just how small a person you really are. If you can even see it in the first place. If they were in my team some time back, I know things would have gone a lot smoother.
It sucks when you know what must be done and you could do it so easily, but you have to force yourself to be a watcher in hopes that the conditions will inspire change.
Thats probably the final but most important thing I would want them to learn before they bid their final farewell to this sport.
And perhaps, one day, when they look back, and realize just how much fun this sport really can be, without all the shit attached, they will go back.
For me, I guess a part of me already knew where I should go, but I wanted to see things through to the end with these guys.
In life, its really a blessing to find something that you love to do and to be able to do it. But to find people to do it with, to share the same goal with, the same pain and joy, happiness and frustration, can never be replaced by anything else in the world.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Ahhhhhh!
I suddenly have the urge to cover my workstations with either transformer figurines or Final fantasy 7: advent children figurines.
Tifa is ridiculously hawt, and yuffie is cho kawaii.
Tifa is ridiculously hawt, and yuffie is cho kawaii.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Blessings
Oddly enough, despite all my contact with the piano composing and experimenting, its been so long since I've sat down and actually played.
When all the emotion in the composition isn't pre-meditated, and everything just flows naturally. When you don't have to worry about singers timing, or vocal range, just no stupid restrictions whatsoever.
It was like meeting with a long lost friend. So weird, since the damn thing isn't even alive. But the feeling is really like no other. When I want a part of a movement to be strong, it will answer and its voice will echo with resolution. When I want a part of a movement to light or sad, the softness and vulnerability of its voice will oddly enough move the heart.
Took out the Jaguar for a row today, very shocked that Darren paddled all the way out to the middle of the basin to look for us. For a noob that's just plainly insane or brave. But he probably knew that one of us would go rescue him anyway. Justin was clearly worried about him.
Anyway Justin's fast, but he kept fading away when I used the sink-stroke.
Fun fun. And yes I could tell another njc kia was clearly stirred by seeing us row. But he was always quiet last time so I forgot to ask him to join us.
When all the emotion in the composition isn't pre-meditated, and everything just flows naturally. When you don't have to worry about singers timing, or vocal range, just no stupid restrictions whatsoever.
It was like meeting with a long lost friend. So weird, since the damn thing isn't even alive. But the feeling is really like no other. When I want a part of a movement to be strong, it will answer and its voice will echo with resolution. When I want a part of a movement to light or sad, the softness and vulnerability of its voice will oddly enough move the heart.
Took out the Jaguar for a row today, very shocked that Darren paddled all the way out to the middle of the basin to look for us. For a noob that's just plainly insane or brave. But he probably knew that one of us would go rescue him anyway. Justin was clearly worried about him.
Anyway Justin's fast, but he kept fading away when I used the sink-stroke.
Fun fun. And yes I could tell another njc kia was clearly stirred by seeing us row. But he was always quiet last time so I forgot to ask him to join us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
