screwed up

Sometimes songs make you feel all shitty inside, not because of the way they sound, but because of direct relation to events.

One such song is 'Promiscuous girl'... which doesn't sound sad at all, but every time I hear that song, I remember one time that I was on the feeder bus from CCK mrt to camp, and it just so happened that I really really didn't want to go back to camp that day for some reason that I can't remember, and that song played on my mp3 player.

So yeah, every time I hear that song now I think "OMG CAMP!"... first, then after that I think "LOL ORD LOH".





Last night I had a dream.

It was the first time I've seen his face since forever. He was standing at the open gate, seemingly oblivious to what happened, looking as if everything was fine. I ran to him, pulled him to me and just cried. I think the last time I cried like that was when I was what, 5 years old or something?

It's been so many years since it happened. No one spoke of it since, and I gladly made a point to bury it so deep to forget everything so that I wouldn't have to deal with how screwed up it felt. We all knew that it could happen to any of us, maybe it was bad luck to talk of it less the same happen to one of us. After all, we were training not just to fight, but to take out our opponent in the shortest time possible.

Death has a way of making partings seem like they never happened. You don't have to say goodbye, you don't have to worry about sending the person off. But you know that unlike the friends that leave you, they won't have a chance to be happy. And maybe thats all you want for those whom you spent time with in your life but have left you - for them to be happy.

It seems the only place that I can feel certain things is in my dreams, where my conscious mind doesn't select and filter each thought and emotion carefully as I have trained it to do over the years.

Its always easy to shut off everyone so that you won't be hurt again. Cut out from all negative feelings, one would be able to carry on with life in the most efficient manner, after all. As a pianist I've learned during my earlier concerts to block out nervousness, anxiety, aggression, stress, and just be an empty shell so that I can fill myself with each emotion required for the piece.

There's no clear better or worse option, I believe. As long as your fist is clenched, you cannot hold on to anything. Some people find more meaning in life holding on something. Some people find more meaning in life making that fist as hard as possible.



There is no middle ground.

What about your life?

Doing something you love for work for the rest of your life and be successful is something that many people dream of, but few set out to achieve, and even fewer make it.

It takes years of careful planning, courage and belief in your dream. Even now as I climb up the steps to my ideal career I know that no future is certain, despite all that has been planned for thus far.

Meeting with Ruby Yang, Director of Act 3 International the other day to discuss the upcoming musical gives me hope, though. Here is a woman, who loves children, loves music, drama, acting, creating things and she has become so successful in her field - doing a job that she loves. You can tell when you meet such people. They seem lighter, less worried about typical things, not because they do not care, but because they know that there are more important things in life.

It was weird working with her professionally at first, because, she is Jason's mom for crying out.... I just felt inclined to call her "Aunt Ruby" the first time I met her, but after talking to her, she has such energy and youth that I can't imagine her to be around her age. Heck, I love my job, but I don't know if I'll enjoy it as much as her after doing it for so long. But it does seem possible, after all; art like music is so diverse, every changing and vast.

Each person's dream usually has meaning only to him/her. Its natural, seeing as to how different everyone is raised and how differently we see things and hold things important to us. I see the growing mound of invites to Zouk... I still have to pick up my updated card... and I can't find the interest in it. For some perhaps being at the "in" scene is important, or being seen at the "in" scene by friends. But I had always hated being part of a crowd. Because usually that crowd doesn't know any better, and it just escalates to nonsensical preposterously inconsequential convention.

Same for the offers to act on TV or film. To many that could be their dream. But I've got my own to chase for now. I still remember what Colleen said to me... "many people want to do what we do, but they can't, we should be grateful". She always has the best answers, probably why she won the Miss World Singapore pageant.

Sometimes you want to do something because you couldn't in the past, but I've learned that modeling really isn't my thing. You learn so much, about carrying yourself, about poise, charisma, but once that is over, its pretty mindless. I remember seeing how all the junior models walk in a super stiff manner, turn in a super stiff manner, it really is an art to some extent. Female models have the longest learning curve for their walk, the bounce and twist of each step of a good catwalk is something that you have to see up close to really appreciate. For guys its just lame shit like "oh, walk and look cool. Yeah, cool. Okay turn, now I'm pissed about something." wtf?!

I can't really get excited about showcasing someone else's work or clothes. I would rather people listen to my music.

omgwtf Leonidas behind j00!

lol.




Reunion and celebration supper the other night after training with the ATI section and Major Bryan.

Was good to see everyone again, including the Maj, although we couldn't see eye-to-eye for the longest time. He had his vision for the department, I had mine for the team. Eventually we reached middle-ground many times, though stretched several times over. Thinking back, I might have had a fun time there, but I was set on following that dream till the end.

Now it seems, everyone who has a clue as to whats going on wants to be transferred into the department; regulars and nsfs alike. Which is ironic, because that was always the case, yet I was the only one trying to get the hell out of there to focus on SAFSA.

I know that he wanted to win me over, because I had something that no one else had in the formation besides Ben who was studying overseas at the time. That was the nature of my transfer all the way to Armor, after all. Several COs wanted me transferred over to them, which I was willing to do had the Maj move to stand in the way of my goal.

Respect is a two way thing. I helped him to forge the identity and representation of the Institute, and he supported my desire to lead the team. In the end, although there were many heated moments, I learned so much from him, and he was always willing to teach me many things.

New departments in the army are an interesting thing. As head of the then-new department, He was allowed to set the department's own scope of work and development. It was interesting to see how he slowly materialized everything and acquired what he needed to make it was it is today. He's about the only Major, that I know of in Armor who has the brains, drive, and tact for his career... and he can run triathlons and ironmans.

Maybe for some people their dream can lie in the Army after all.

PSP in the army

Hahahhaa!



From pspfanboy.com:

Apparently, the PSP is becoming quite popular in the military world. That's why TAD Gear created this PSP case, one that's supposedly MILSPEC grade. "These PSP Pods were produced at the request of some our associates and customers deployed overseas. The Sony PSP has become a common sight in many a soldiers' kit these days. The PSP has become ideal for personal entertainment for many while in transit or stuck at barracks. This is built with MILSPEC construction and materials thru-out. There is no sturdier, better built, and versatile storage pouch for the PSP available anywhere."

The high level of construction is supposed to be the reason behind its somewhat exuberant price: $100. But, if you happen to be in the military, now's the time to pick the system up. "Due the high cost of production it is highly unlikely we will produce these again."

Zombies

The weather in the afternoon has been damn awesome lately. Very cloudy, thick dark clouds, breezy and cooling. No godamn shitty rays of sun trying to barbecue you. This is Singapore's "winter" or something? I wish it would stay like this forever.

Was playing PSP while walking back home from the bus stop today and I realized that walking very slowly concentrating on the game makes me walk at the same speed as about most people. Which makes me wonder.... don't these people have anything better to do with their lives than waste their time walking like a half-crippled retarded zombie? Seriously, why waste life in transition? It makes me feel killing zombies... kill all of them!

Ugh

I can't believe I did this every morning back during the brief period that I was in camp/ partially attached out. Figures the only person crazy enough to join me in the mornings was an ex/rjc canoeist/x-country runner. Kinda miss how I'd die trying to follow him through the insane abs/core routine, then I'd drag him to do pullups with me haha.

Even more frustrating that my timings per lap are not even close to what I started with in the past. Training with the new running technique is like replaying a game from the start on hard mode instead of normal. But I don't really have much of a choice.

Come to think of it, I can't believe my usual schedule in the past...

Morning - Intervals/short dist run, core statics

Morning - Weights in office

Noon - Pullup/statics

Afternoon (if no attachment)- Mid dist run/ pull up/statics

Kind of crazy when I look at it now, but I knew that I had to train to a decent enough level to lead a team, cause I always believed that to lead effectively you need to do it in front of them.

All that while balancing work for camp and freelance work.


I always used to look at people's insane training regimes and be inspired to work harder... now I'm just quite disgusted at how much I've slackened ever since then.

I have quite a flexible schedule, life is moving on, my career is moving up, yet I still want to row, because I still believe in this team.

Maybe its time to power up again.

Making History

Project Samus is on the way to MUGEN. A good friend, Monty who is now working in Midway (Company responsible for the Mortal Kombat series) has finally provided me with the model for Samus Aran, and I've always wanted to do a blasting shooting character.

Had to pass up on a job because the time trial is on one of the show days. Which sucks because I wanted to do this job quite badly because it would just be so cool. Arghhhh

Anyway, Yesterday's state of Samus:

Shitty day

Today was a shitty day.

First I can't think of proper balancing solutions for Dragonclaw, and can't think of new moves. Programming is a very tedious thing. Your syntax must be spot on, especially if you need to alter 20-50 lines of code to get a certain effect... if something screws up you're going to to a hell lot of editing.

Then there's so much to keep in mind like when the state cycle starts and ends, when in the state cycle should the variable addition or subtraction take place.

Which isn't so bad, because maths and physics is fun. Like creating impulse velocities which are affected by lateral wind (X velocity) and rise due to heat or change in pressure (Y velocity). Or when an object bounces you take its negative Y velocity with acceleration due to gravity ceiled at terminal velocity, subtract energy lost due to contact force*momentive resistance and energy dispersion channeled during time in contact with surface, then negate it to get the upward velocity which would then be affected by gravity and the initial wind resistance caused by the the object's own fall.

Coming up with an equation to emulate real life physics, then exaggerating it for effect is rather addictive. But I digress.


Anyway, weights with Stephen after that makes me feel small and fat. wtf.

Then took 2 buses to smu then thomson because we Howe was too lazy to walk to the 13 bus stop. We took like 1 godamn hour to reach thomson.

Then I saw the sign of the new Ramus stall lit, so I thought wow, we get to try new place to eat tonight for a change- but the godamn place was closed.

Then we ate damn fatty shit at Prata House... and Howe's mutton curry was burnt.

Then after coming back from my run, the DOTA gang started the game without me.

Lousy shitty ass day.

Ambidexterous

Okay, its quite common to sprain something playing sports or training... but I seem to have sprained my wrist quite badly playing the piano.

Its because my piano/clarinova used to be facing the computer on the left... so I would just play at an odd twisted angle while looking at the computer while working on composing. And some bloody instruments have to be played so damn hard to hear the louder samples.

So I've went and rearranged the furniture abit today. Now the workstation is directly infront of the piano.

This injury doesn't affect my training too much... but every time I try to put my messenger bag on with the right hand, I feel such a sharp pain that I want to kick someone in the nuts. So, I'm forced to be a lefty for now. Wearing the bag, turning stuff, holding heavy stuff, etc is all left hand oriented now.

Oh well, more nintouryu training for now I suppose.

Total Control

Reverse buggy whip at last. ^_^

Was walking to the nearby hawker centre to get some food and I heard someone playing the piano. Surprisingly the pianist was quite good.

Reminded me of the days back in school when I held auditions for the piano ensemble. We had only so few slots for the performance team and I remember how difficult it was to tell some of them that they didn't make the cut.

But I could tell from their playing if this person had what it takes to perform in front of an audience.

Amateur musicians are usually shy people. Technical skills aside, to play a piece or movement effectively you must dare to portray your emotion in the piece. Being able to snap into that zone, to portray sadness, anger, power or joy in an instant so close to feeling it. Many people can not do so. They think that their emotions must be authentic and true.

Perhaps they are right. Control over this aspect proves to allow one to be able to become any passage in the movement. But ironically, if overdone may rob one of the very essence of what it is to be human and to feel things authentically.

Often I find the similarities in application to sports. There are always those who cannot get into the set with the right aggression and zest. Others pour out their emotions so much you can't help but worry for them.

Perhaps for me, this aspect was always easy. In secondary school I was lucky enough to fight my way into the spex youth squad for taekwondo. Back then it was simple. If you're not going to take things seriously, be passive or act like a pansy, you're going to just die in a practice spar. TKD is an extremely popular sport and we trained with the best from around the country. Coaches from overseas to hold special training sessions and even training overseas. The fighters in the squad were dead serious about the sport.

You didn't have to fly into a furious rage in a match... you learn to be aggressive for each attack, while remaining calm and in control. Many people have no idea what focused power can accomplish. All these years dragonboating I have seen huge strong rowers whom although are strong, don't know the first thing about this concept. Others sadly overcompensate with outbursts of emotion, or so they think.

That zone of complete control. So few know of it, even less achieve it.

The dumbest part of this is that once you get it, you're often left with regret.

Why can't I be superman?

Injuries everywhere.

The athlete's ultimate conundrum.

How much to push? When to stop?

Those who dare not challenge themselves beyond the point of logic, the point of pain, will never know new heights.

But sometimes the consequences are too heavy.

My last leg of training has left me with two injured elbow ligaments, two injured wrist ligaments, one injured shoulder ligament.

It seems that this is far as I can climb for now. As much as it frustrates me, because I want to climb higher in this aspect, I know that if I continue any further with the program, things may pass the point that it did so many years ago for my knee.

So yeah, the next leg of training is to ensue again. I just hope that nothing else goes wrong. Recently the new technique of running that I had to adapt due to the knee problem produces some interesting sensations in my forefeet if I pass a certain speed.

It literally feels like my forefeet are on fire.

Well, burning feet is better than a knee that gives way on you anyway. Interestingly, my feet seem to be adapting somehow by developing a protecting extra layer of skin over that area. Sounds sick, but what the heck.

It just sucks because trying to train to reach decent speeds with this technique is taking too damn long.


Super heroes with healing abilities or invulnerability must be pansies.

The Ballade of the Warriors

After all these years playing around with music, there's still nothing that evokes more feeling for me than organic oriental drums. Namely the taikos, siox drums, lion drums, thunder ensemble, whatever you call them.

Funny thing about music is that sometimes it lets us feel things that we normally dare not let ourselves feel.

Sometimes it also lets us feel what deep inside, we truly want to feel.

What inspires us, empowers us.

Dreamers of the world unite

I just got an email from Insomniac games. But the name on the email was very familiar.

Many years back in school, two guys from an art college in Pittsburgh asked me to help them bring their 2D sprite animations to a fighting game engine called M.U.G.E.N. The project rocked, and it seems to have done good for them as today Steve works at Insomniac games, and Jason is flying to LA to work at Blur studios.

To the outdated or non gamers, Insomniac games is responsible for killer titles such as Resistance: Fall of Man and latest Ratchet and Clank games on the Playstation 3. Blur studios is the animation/design studio that worked on Transformers: the game, Halo Wars and Marvel Ultimate Alliance.

I couldn't be more proud of them, cause they have mad talent, and are doing what they love for a living. Oh yeah, Dom whom I worked with for "the Immortals" will be flying off to work at Blizzard too.

It seems we're all destined for great things :)

Mind over body

Training with diahrrea is indeed a crisis.

Had to run to the toilet midway during the run, continuing after which landed a stitch... in two places at the same time. Unbelievable. Two hit stitch combo!

Light headed during statics, out of breath during rowing.

But, at the end of it all, the egoistic thing to say would be "but I soldiered on the ordeal". Well I just remembered how hard others have fought with their handicaps before, and I just felt that mine was quite insignificant in comparison. Anyway its not like you can die from diahrrea.

.... CAN YOU?!

Occupational Hazards

The hazards of loving your job too much.

Sometimes I can get so into a piece of music, working at each instrument line, listening over and over and over for hours until it feels like such a pain in the ass to go and eat, train or even play games.

But when you come across an awesome piece of music, you just want to listen to it over and over and over, even if you came up with it yourself.

Of course there are days when I get the piece gets lost in translation from my head to the computerized orchestra, and I get so involved with a part of the piece like the melody line that I don't notice how grossly unbalanced the harmony line is. In which case, when I take a break and get back to it I just have to go "What the heck was I thinking?!"

Translation is the hardest part for a composer. How do you transfer form, emotion, structure from dreams, from random thoughts, into coherent data/score? Every successful piece of music is literally, a dream come true.

Sometimes that godamn dream gets jumbled, and you have to sort it out by trial and error. Its particularly frustrating when you're doing orchestrated arrangements, because unlike pop or rock that has like melody line, harmony line, bass, alternate melody line, drums.... you now have....

Strings line for melody, strings like for harmony X 2-3, Cello line X 1-3, Bass line, Woodwinds line X 1-4, percussions line, drums line, french horn line, trumpets line, misc brasses line.

And each of these lines can carry the melody line at any point, and it can pass it to another instrument line, or fade in, or fade out, or only come in at certain points like the piccolo section to shine high notes, or bass trombones to boom certain low notes. Even more complicated when harmony lines move into counter melody, or answer call melody.

So yeah, basically a whole lot of ideas need to be sorted out.

The team was rowing past esplanade and we saw/heard the rehearsals for the national day parade. Was just a small part, but the score for that section sounds awesome. The way it transitions between so many styles was very well done, and the strings section sounded like the SSO did it. I wonder who did the arrangement for it.

I wonder when it will be my turn to compose for the national day parade.

Change The World

I wonder how many people think about making the world a better place to live in. Everyone knows how screwed up the times are. Everyone knows how screwed up people treat other people.

There's a saying... "Be the change you want to see in other people."

I believe in giving others the respect you want them to give you.

Give them the trust you want them to give you.

Its too easy to live life conforming to the all the negative examples we see. Just because we've been hurt, we want to hurt others. Its selfish, yet human nature.

But I have learned to expect more of myself. I hate the easy way out when it comes to moral values.

How can I make the world a better place?

Music provides comfort in time of sadness, loneliness or despair, it inspires us to expect more of ourselves, it calms us down.

If I could make that song that helped a person in any of these ways, I feel that I have succeeded in some small way.

New beginning

Figured it would make sense to start a new public blog on my birthday.

And what better way to celebrate it than feeling a little sick.

Thanks to everyone for their birthday wishes. Old friends and new ones alike. It was especially warming to hear some of your voices after so many years.

Like Yiwen, probably the most capable girl I know. Study hard in Melbourne :)

Tian Hong, for calling to irrita.... wish me happy birthday and talk cock.

So yeah in no particular order, to Ming hui, Jac, Coke, Winnie, JJ, JM, Sophia, Kris, Jasmine, Jane, Yiwen, Tian Hong, Charis, Hungry, Jilin, Cindy, Charlizard, Edwin, Veron, Ivy, Mal, Desmond, Lyuina, Jason, James, Joel, Joy, Jonathan, Jeremy, Jeremy (bigger head), Wani, Adrian, and Tony (Mr China) who emailed all the way from China...

Thank you :)

Hope I didn't leave out anyone.


Saturday's Musical for Fly Entertainment and SNA was a success. I don't know how to describe watching and hearing all your work come together on stage. Everyone worked so hard, the production team, the cast, the crew. Izyan has an awesome voice, and Enlai has improved so much since day one. Loretta did a terrific job at pulling everyone together. I have no clue about choreography but Gordon and Desmond make it look so good. And I can't imagine the amount of research Yi Sheng put into the script... that must have been insane. Oh yeah, Babes made them sound so good.

New projects coming up, I've already thought of an awesome theme song for one of them. Can't wait to start.